


Quadrant Queries

by pectinouscube



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Broadcaste System, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other, Quadrant Queries, Radio KSBRB, love advice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-09-27
Updated: 2012-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-24 02:23:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/257846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pectinouscube/pseuds/pectinouscube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Join your esteemed hosts Kanaya Maryam, Rose Lalonde, and Karkat Vantas as we deftly untangle the gordian knots that are the love lives of our fellow students.</p>
<p>{This is the interactive written version of one of the radio shows from Broadcaste System. It is written by cognitiveaugurer, pectinouscube, and sometimes magikmutant and other pals too. It originated on the <a href="http://homesmut.livejournal.com/9406.html?thread=14063294#t14063294">kinkmeme</a>. Ask questions or volunteer to answer them in character. See <a href="http://quadrantqueries.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> for the latest announcements and the best way to submit queries. See <a href="fillapod.livejournal.com">fillapod</a> if you'd like to voiceact this or any Homestuck fic.}</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction & Disclaimer (Ch.1)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Broadcaste System](https://archiveofourown.org/works/368317) by [PCrabapple](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PCrabapple/pseuds/PCrabapple). 



WELCOME TO QUADRANT QUERIES HOME OF THE RAGE SNAKE, MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

Karkat. That Is Not The Way To Start This Off.

Also it could be taken as somewhat provocative.  
Actually, it frankly just doesn’t make any sense.

HOW IS THAT PROVOCATIVE? I’M ASKING PEOPLE TO ASK US QUESTIONS. I ASKED NICELY.

Disregarding Karkat’s Nonsense, For All Those With Relationship Woes We Will Be Giving Advice And Answering Your Questions On All Things Romantic And Platonic, Redrom And Blackrom, Pale And Concupiscent, Human Love And Friendship

My name is Rose Lalonde and I will be co-hosting this endeavor with the lovely Kanaya Maryam and ever eloquent Karkat Vantas.

DAMN RIGHT I’M ELOQUENT, YOU CAN TAKE YOUR SNARK AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR-

Karkat, Please Watch Your Language

Karkat, if we cannot trust you to be cordial then we will have to take measures to prevent your crude language from going on air.

I Will Contact Sollux Immediately

YOU KEEP SOLLUX’S delicious MANGLED HEY! WHAT THE grue DID YOU DO? THAT’S NOT MY VOICE! YOU’RE MAKING ME SOUND LIKE A baby lobster ROBOT AND THIS IS LIVE! AND HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THIS lovely CENSOR ABOMINATION PROGRAMMED SO FAST? SOLLUX YOU glorious fancy BACKSTABBER!

hug YOU ALL.

Let Us See What Our First Question Is

OH YEAH, AND TAKE OUR ADVICE AT YOUR OWN RISK. IT’S AWESOME AND WILL TURN YOUR LIFE RIGHT ROUND, BUT DON’T COME SUING OUR hunk rumps IF YOU hug IT UP.

By Submitting A Query [Or Answer] You Are Also Giving Us Legal Consent To Publish This Advice Column Including Your Questions In Any Way We See Fit

For clarification, this may mean any or all of the following: [tumblr](http://quadrantqueries.tumblr.com/), [homesmut](http://homesmut.livejournal.com/9406.html?thread=14063294#t14063294), live on air (including [fillapod](http://fillapod.livejournal.com/), soundcloud, youtube, and some nerd’s car), and possibly [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/257846/chapters/402491) and other places not explicitly mentioned.

If You Failed To Sign Your Query, We May Create An Acronym Or Pseudonym For You, But We Will Not Use Any Other Name We Find (Such As Your Email Username) Unless You Placed It Into Your Query As Part Of Your Sign Off

ANONYMOUS ASKS ARE ALWAYS THERE TO COMFORT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP, WRIGGLERS. SHOW ME WHY I SHOULD FEEL GRATEFUL EVERY TIME I’M IN CALC III AND NOT HERE.

You are the only hope of him passing that class, dear listeners.


	2. Day 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Containing these queries: Business Pro, Flounderin Foe, Feeling Touchy, Advertisement Interlude 1: Scurvy, Diurnally Confused, Concupiscent Conundrum, Troll Olol

This question is from Business Pro, who writes (with excellent grammar I might add):

****  
_I recently became acquainted with someone during stressful professional circumstances that happened to intersect with stressful professional circumstances of his own. We have since taken up business together, though not without reservations on his part, because we have very different (and, he believes, incompatible) ideals for where our mutual business should go. We interact well on a personal level, having now become very close friends, and I am sure that my romantic interest in him is reciprocated. However, I am unsure if doing so would be wise, given our difference in professional opinions. What do you recommend?_  


 

OPEN TWO RIVAL COMPANIES AND BECOME KISMESES. IT WILL BE LIKE MAC DONALD AND THE BURGER KING - AN EPIC FOR THE AGES.

Karkat I Believe This Is A Flushed Quadrant

Not Everything Can Turn Black No Matter How Much You Want It To

WHY DO YOU THINK I SAID THAT? IF THEY WERE ALREADY BLACK THEY WOULDN’T BE HAVING THIS PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE! YOU CAN BE jelly eating poopheads ABOUT IT IF YOU WANT BUT YOU’LL BE MUCH HAPPIER IN KISMESSITUDE.

IS THAT THING STILL ON?

SOLLUX YOU MOP FONDLING DEGENERATE.

THAT lobster hunk rump ISN’T GOING TO PUT ONE WORD IN MY MOUTH. YOU JUST WATCH.

Karkat, I think if they were trolls they would have already thought of kismesis too. Either they’re humans or they tried and couldn’t flip.

Or Already Have Caliginous Partners

OR THEY’RE STUPID, DON’T FORGET THAT.

Karkat I Wish You Would Cease Trying To Antagonize Our Listeners

I would rather not have to speak with our faculty sponsor to remain on air. Again.

Rose I Believe This Question Is Something You Would Be Quite Adept At Answering

Before pursuing any relationship on an emotional and physical level, you two should first clear up your issues on the professional level. It will inevitably cause you difficulty down the road, and it is best to get it sorted out before then.

Indeed. If You Continue To Pursue A Mutual Business Relationship You Need To Make Sure That You Have Worked Out Any Personal Differences

Exactly.

Karkat Do You Have Any Reasonable Advice For Them? Or Are You Going To Spout More Nonsense

hug YOU THAT WAS NOT NONSENSE, IT WAS NUGGETS OF PURE GOLD SOUND ADVICE. BUT I GUESS YOURS IS GOOD TOO FOR BEING FLUSHED. YOU GUYS WON’T STAY TOGETHER IN BUSINESS ANYWAY IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR sewage WORKED OUT FIRST SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO IT.

Thank You Karkat That Is Very Helpful Advice

THEN YOU CAN HAVE A GOOD BUSINESS TOGETHER AND IF YOU’RE FLUSHED FOR EACH OTHER TOO, YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE OTHER GUY STABBING YOU IN THE BACK AND STEALING ALL YOUR MONEY.

I suppose that is a valid point.

BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THEM WANTING TO TAKE VACATIONS AT THE SAME TIME AS YOU.

Oh, how dreadful. You have a lot of work ahead of you, Caller.

Our next letter is from Flounderin Foe, who needs to learn what a period is:

_so i may or may not havve a quadrant query_   
_but wwhat do you do wwhen you havve black feelins for someone and they clearly hate you but just dont wwant to admit it_   
_because theres this guy and hes alwways givvin me mixed signals_   
_like hes alwways sayin that heth tho dithguthted with me_   
_and disgust is clearly some kinda synonym for hate but wwhenevver i tell him he hates me and i hate him and so wwe should clearly be together he alwways denies it_   
_so wwhat do i do is i guess wwhat im askin_

 

Karkat, I feel you are in fact best suited to advising this listener.

RIGHT, LET THE PROS HANDLE THIS ONE.

ALRIGHT ER-LISTENER, I CAN SEE A METRIC honking butt-TON OF PROBLEMS ALREADY, SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT TO STRAP ON A DIAPERSTUB. FIRST OF ALL, ARE YOU EVEN SURE YOU HATE THIS GUY AND NOT JUST THE IDEA OF HAVING SOMEONE TO HATE? BECAUSE WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME IS YOU’RE PUTTING ZERO leave me alone EFFORT INTO THIS AT ALL. YOU THINK SAYING I HATE YOU, WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME IS THE WAY TO WIN A KISMESIS? ii don’t hate you liike that IS THE WAY TO ASK OUT A POTENTIAL MATESPRIT, LOAD FOR BRAINS, AND NOT EVEN THE RIGHT WAY, BUT THE “I DON’T KNOW YOU ONE BIT AND you 2mell liike fii2h all the tiime YOU’RE PROBABLY THE BARISTA TO MY CREEPY OLD GUY SIDESHOW” WAY. FLIP THAT AROUND AND SEE HOW IT SOUNDS. I PITY YOU, DATE ME! IT SOUNDS DESPERATE AS karkat vanta2, IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.

LOOK, TO LET SOMEONE KNOW THAT YOU’RE INTERESTED, WHY NOT, I DON’T KNOW, ACTUALLY never gonna happen fii2hface SHOW THEM YOU HATE THEM? REVOLUTIONARY IDEA, I KNOW. INSULT THEM, TRIP THEM, BLOW UP THEIR COMPUTER kk don’t giive hiim iidea2. FIND OUT WHAT GETS THEM THE MOST FURIOUS AND GET AWAY WITH DOING IT. GET THEM MAD ENOUGH TO DUEL YOU. SHOW THEM YOU’RE A WORTHY ADVERSARY. THEN MAYBE THEY’LL DATE YOU. BUT PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR kk 2hut up FIRST. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE HATED BY EVERYONE JUST BY EXISTING. MOST OF THE HATE YOU’LL GET WILL BE PLATONIC, AND IF YOU CAN’T FLIP IT TO AMOROUS AND PUSH IT TOO FAR YOU’LL JUST GET HURT. PLATONIC HATE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT KEEPING YOU IN FIT FIGHTING SHAPE TO BE A RIVAL and ii wiill end you.

DON’T DO ANYTHING THAT’S SO BAD YOUR KISMECRUSH DIES, PERMANENTLY FLIPS TO PLATONIC HATE, OR BECOMES SO WEAKEND THEY CAN’T BE A PROPER RIVAL ANYMORE. DON’T COME ON TOO STRONG - DON’T RELENTLESSLY STALK SOMEONE 24/7 2eriiou2ly 2top followiing me. DON’T SEND MAILBOMBS TO SOME POOR UNPREPARED SAP YOU BARELY KNOW. ACTUALLY, DON’T ii’ll return them SEND MAILBOMBS OR DO ANYTHING ELSE THAT GETS YOU ARRESTED. YOU WANT TO SUCK SO HARD BLACK HOLES ORBIT YOU? DEFEAT YOURSELF IN A RIVALRY. DON’T MESS WITH THEIR OTHER QUADRANTS UNLESS YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE DOING. HERE’S A HINT: YOU DON’T and iit’2 hiilariiou2. AND FINALLY, LISTEN TO ALL MY SAGE ADVICE, AND MAYBE ONE NIGHT YOU’LL NOTICE THAT IT’S BEEN A PERIGEE AND YOUR KISMESIS IS STILL TOSSING YOU OUT ON YOUR gro22 hiip2ter butt.

NOW WHAT THE hii kk WAS THAT ANNOYING BACKGROUND LISP?

I Thought He Left Fifteen Minutes Ago

It appears he has not.

WHY DIDN’T YOU lovely ladiie2 STOP HIM?!

I Am Well Aware Of The Futility Of Attempting To Stop One Of Your Blackrom Rants

As for myself, I may not look it, but I can assure you that I am internally writhing in hysterics. You slay me, Captor.

HOW THE any tiime rl IS HE DOING IT?!

It Seems He Has Taken It Upon Himself To Manually Censor This Discussion As Opposed To Leaving The Job To His Usual Automated System

You can see him in the other room if you just lean back in your chair a bit.

I’M GOING TO how about 2ome musiic KILL HIM!

**[♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvfb8GcKAWs&feature=related) **

Please Excuse Our Technical Difficulties, We Will Return Shortly

............

OUR NEXT QUESTION WAS ACQUIRED WHEN IT TOOK THE FORM OF A PAPER PLANE AND HIT ME IN THE BACK OF MY gargantuan HEAD IN PHILOSOPHY:

**_Is there something wrong with me if I freak out when a relationship gets remotely touchy feely? In general, with friends and family, I love hugs and cuddling but in each relationship I had so far, I had a most negative reaction whenever they try to touch me, like even the arm around waist/shoulder. It did not end too well and I’m wondering if this just my own inexperience and it’s something I need to get over, as that’s what people told me so far. Thank you!_ **

 

**_Signed, Feeling Touchy_ **

 

I DON’T sprinkles GET IT, BUT FROM THE LOOK ON LALONDE’S FACE SHE EITHER HAS A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS OR IS CONSTIPATED.

Your insight into the workings of my mind and bowels never ceases to amaze me, Vantas.

Regardless, there is indeed much to be said on the matter.

Inexperience is certainly a possibility. I am unaware of your age or the number and span of your past relationships, but if you are young or new to the world we call “the dating scene” then you may wish to take things more slowly before you feel comfortable with the physical aspects. Seeing as you claim no issues with physical contact with family and friends, you may simply be someone who prefers to get to know someone over long periods of time before engaging in physical affection. It is completely natural to feel this way.

Traditional Troll Culture Is Fierce And One Would Do Well Not To Put Their Trust In Anyone

However This Becomes Necessary For Filling The Flushed And Pale Quadrants

It Can Be Extremely Difficult To Let Down Walls Of Protection One Builds Up

But It Is Also Extremely Satisfying To Find Someone With Whom You Can Truly Be Yourself Around

There is also the possibility that you are simply not interested in a physical relationship, as asexuality is certainly "a thing." This does not mean that you unable to appreciate and desire a relationship that is romantic in nature. In this case, you will only make yourself unhappy if you try to force yourself to participate in physical aspects. It may be difficult to explain this to your partner, but if this is indeed the source of your discomfort then you require someone who is understanding and accepting of it.

If You Are Having Trouble Working Through Your Issues Whatever They May Be Do Not Be Afraid To Seek Professional Counsel

Enchanting As My Cohost Is Even She Cannot Tie Such A Complex Problem Into A Neat Knot With Just One Paragraph Of Information

I do my best to be thorough, but my dear Miss Maryam is correct. I am still but a budding student in these matters.

AM I GOING TO HAVE TO EXCUSE YOU TWO FOR A PURPLE PROSE RIDDEN MAKE OUT SESSION OR ARE YOU GOING TO JUST SIT AROUND AGREEING WITH EACHOTHER, MY GOD GET A ROOM.

I would argue that this is technically a room, wouldn’t you, Kanaya?

Rose Take Me Now

NEXT QUESTION!

Actually Karkat It Is Time For An Advertisement Interlude

OH. IT’S 9:30 AM AND THIS IS QUADRANT QUERIES STREAMING NEURON BODYBUILDING SHAKES TO YOUR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS ON KSBRB.

The Church of the Mirthful Messiahs is hosting a nonalcoholic drinks mix contest next Wednesday at 4pm at the church. The lucre for ‘most miraculous drink’ is a $100 gift card to the campus bookstore and a case of grape Faygo. All other participants receive as many religious pamphlets as they want, printed on magnets.

They Are Also Hosting A Bake Sale It Is Actually Going On Right Now And In This Building

I wonder if this has anything to do with why Sollux was here so late...

YOU KNOW EGBERT GOT THE bunnies OUT OF DODGE THE MOMENT HE PICKED UP THE SCENT OF BUTTERCREAM WAFTING THROUGH THE AIR. LEFT THE GUY TO CLEAN UP ALL THOSE EMPTY MONSTER CANS AND CHEETO BAGS ON HIS OWN.  
OH WELL, MORE FOR ME.

Karkat, you are going to get crumbs in the equipment, please eat those cupcakes outside.

push YOU LALONDE I WILL EAT WHERE I WANT. I AM AN ADULT AND THESE ARE AMAZING. YOU SHOULD TRY SOME. BUT NOT THESE ONES. THESE ARE MINE, GET YOUR OWN.

BUT YEAH WHETHER YOU BELIEVE THEIR WACKY RELIGION OR NOT THOSE MOTHERhonk CAN BAKE AND YOU SHOULD COME DOWN HERE AND SUPPORT THE CAUSE OR WHATEVER.

THERE ARE NO MORE CUPCAKES THOUGH.

IN OTHER NEWS, I HAVE CONSTRUCTED THE WORLD’S LARGEST FORT COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF BAKED GOODS.

NO GIRLS ALLOWED.

Thank You For This Educational Lecture On Monosexuality Karkat

And don’t worry about us, we’re doing perfectly well out here in our room.

I’M SORRY WHAT WAS THAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HOW AMAZING IT IS HAVING A CUPCAKE FORT.

Also Please Do Not Insult The Religions Of Our Listeners

WACKY IS A COMPLIMENT.  
YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HARD I WISH I DIDN’T KNOW THAT.

Speaking Of Consuming An Entire Fortified Edifice Of Junk Food   
And Having Energy Drinks And Cheetos As A Morning Meal   
Do You Know Someone Who Is Living Solely Off Ramen   
Avoid Scurvy And Potassium Deficiency   
Eat A Multivitamin Once In A While   
Brought To You By The Campus Health Department Where You Can Get Free Multivitamins

If that is is not enough to satisfy your ascorbic acid craving, this Saturday DJ Stridenasty is holding a charity concert for scurvy. From 8pm - 1am dance to “ill beats” and drink all the apple juice you want, at the campus center, only $5 admission. If I may add my own announcement, please make sure that any apple juice you plan on imbibing is sealed. There are those who would take advantage of an open drink in the worst of ways.

HOWIE MANDEL BETTER NOT BE MAKING AN APPEARANCE.  
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

The apple juice contains 100% of your daily value of vitamin chill.   
DJ Stride cares about scurvy. He has said on record, and I quote,   
"scurvy killed the pirates and they were damn fine people   
ok they were awful people but they left a damn fine legacy"

**[♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH75EGFeHZI)** ♩

...........

That covers our announcements for the day, so let us continue with the queries, shall we?

**_I have pale feelings for somebody and they recipricate, but their Matesprit is quite jealous and thinks we may become flushed. This is totally not going to happen, but how can I reassure them that I only want this to be a Moirailship? Yours, Diurnally Confused_ **

Ah The Classic Clashing Of Pale And Flushed Passions

One moment, what is about to occur may be relevant to my thesis. Allow me to fetch a notepad.

First Of All Dear Listener   
Neither You Nor Your Moirail Should Think For A Second Of Sacrificing Your Relationship Due To This Unruly Matesprit  
While One Cannot Deny The Instinctual Necessity Of A Matesprit  
Finding Someone Whom You Can Call Your Moirail Is Often Considered The Most Important And Rewarding Quadrant Of All

When You Find The Person You Feel Pale For You Do Not Want To Let Them Go Easily   
While Concupiscent Quadrant Fills May Come And Go The Secrets And Fears Revealed To A Moirail Cannot Be Taken Back Or Forgotten  
Their Advice And Efforts To Keep You Safe From Others And Yourself Cannot Be Ignored  
Their Aid In Finding Those To Fill Your Remaining Quadrants Can Only Be Appreciated  
You Are In This Together For Life So To Speak

To Sum It Up There Is A Reason We Have The Phrase “Rails Before Pails”   
Ultimately The Resolution Of The Issue Lies In The Hands Of Your Moirail Dear Listener  
It Is Their Matesprit Causing You All Distress And It Is Hardly Your Responsibility Or Place To Take Action  
However It Is Your Duty To Advise Your Moirail In Their Time Of Trouble

HOLD ON. SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY HERE. WHY IS THE MATESPRIT MISTAKING YOU FOR A MATESPRITSHIP? SOMEONE IS BEING STUPID, AND IT’S EITHER YOU OR THEM. IS IT YOU? STOP WITH THE squiddly FLUSHED FLIRTING, MAKE YOUR INTENTIONS CLEAR, SUPPORT YOUR MOIRAIL BY HELPING THEM KEEP THAT MATESPRIT. SET THEM UP A NICE BATHTUB WITH CANDLES OR SOMETHING.

IF IT’S YOUR MOIRAIL PRETENDING TO BE FLUSHED, HAVE A FEELINGS JAM THIS INSTANT AND TELL THEM TO KNOCK IT THE guitar OFF. IF IT’S THE MATESPRIT AND THEY STILL DON’T GET IT AFTER YOU SET THEM UP ON DATES, HAVE A SECOND FEELINGS JAM AND TELL YOUR MOIRAIL TO DUMP THEIR deficient saltshaker. BEING PITIFULLY MORONIC IS ROMANTIC, SURE, BUT MESSING WITH QUADRANTS IS TAKING IT TOO FAR.

AND IF NONE OF THAT WORKS THEN YOU ARE ALL billowy STUPID AND PROBABLY DESERVE EACH OTHER. MOST TROLLS TRY TO FILL EVERY QUADRANT AND IF YOUR MOIRAIL’S FLUSH CRUSH CAN’T HANDLE THEIR PALE ONE THEN THEY NEED TO pirouette WORK ON THEMSELVES.  
I BET THEY DON’T HAVE A PALE PAL OF THEIR OWN, IF THEY DID THEY WOULDN’T BE ACTING LIKE SUCH A NUBSLURPING WIGGLER ABOUT IT.

REALLY? THAT’S NOT CENSORED? WOW, OK.

Choice Of Words Aside That Is A Good Idea   
If They Are Presently Without A Moirail You Could Perhaps Introduce Them To Someone Or Convince Them To Join A Club Or Campus Organization Where They Are Likely To Find Someone On Their Own  
We Wish You The Best Of Luck  
Have You Gleaned Any Useful Information From This Rose

It was mostly a reiteration of dynamics that I am already well aware of. As you know my area of interest is more involved with Human/Troll relations, for instance the student research position I participated in which supported that moirallegiance is often the quadrant that humans are first able to truly comprehend.

Was That Study What Led To You Attempting To Explain Troll Romance To Your Brother

Wherein he wrote most quadrants off as "stupid" and then declared moirallegiance equivalent to "bromance" before immediately wandering off to tell his best friend that he had "sweet alien homolust" for him? Somewhat.   
Oh.  
But I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that on air.

WE ALL KNOW YOU DON’T REGRET THAT AT ALL. BESIDES, IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE WHO LISTENS TO HIS garfunkel AT THREE IN THE DAMN MORNING IS GOING TO BE TUNED IN RIGHT NOW.

At the risk of revealing more personal information about my brother, let’s move on.

Concupiscent Conundrum writes,

**_I have recently become acquainted with a woman, whom I believe is perhaps the most extraordinarily pitiful creature I have ever encountered. Unfortunately, she is presently my kismesis’s moirail. Disrupting my blackrom in such a potentially final manner is hardly something I desire, but I can’t get her out of my thinkpan. What should I do?_ **

 

THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH THIS SITUATION IS HOW SUCH A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY HAS MANAGED TO FLY OVER YOUR HEAD LIKE THE KING OF SQUAWK-BEAST.

What I Believe My Cohost Is Attempting To Convey Is That While Quadrant Relations Occassionally Interact They Do Not Overlap

These Relations Exist Independently Of One Another Except In The Case Of Auspisticism And Therefore Your Interest In Your Kismesis’ Moirail Should Not Interfere Or Cause Any Distress To Already Existing Relationships

In Fact This May Be A Very Good Opportunity To Woo Your Kismesis Into Hating You Even More

IT LOOKS LIKE THE KING HAS MANAGED TO FLY HIGH ENOUGH TO MISS HITTING MARYAM TOO, ALTHOUGH THERE IS A DAMN GOOD CHANCE THAT YOU JUST DUCKED THE pretty POINT.

LOOK BUDDY, NOT ONLY IS THERE NOT A SINGLE PROBLEM HERE, BUT YOU ARE LETTING YOUR PSYCHOTIC DELUSIONS GET IN THE WAY OF THE OPPORTUNITY TO FILL TWO, I REPEAT, TWO OF YOUR CONCUPISCENT QUADRANTS. DO YOU SEE WHAT I AM GETTING AT HERE YOU HEDONISTIC pickaxe FOR A PAN?

TWO.

TWO QUADRANTS.

TWO OF THEM.

AT ONCE.

Oh For The Love Of

Mr. Vantas, while I will not claim a native’s comprehension of Quadrant Theory I am certain that it is traditionally rather risqué within both human and troll culture to bring up this topic to a complete stranger. On public radio, no less.

THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING OPEN MINDED ABOUT THIS junk WE LIVE IN THE MODERN ERA AND IF A BUNCH OF OLD TIMEY canHEADS ARE GOING TO CALL ME OUT AND GET THE VAPORS EVERY TIME I SO MUCH AS HINT AT THE TOPIC OF PAILS THEN THEY CAN JUST ***RING RING***

Oh Dear Not Again

FIGHT ME.

If everyone would please be quiet for a moment.

Hello...

Yes...

Yes, I know he was out of line, I feel as though we have been making that clear...

Sir, you cannot deny his value to the team, raunchy and belligerent as he may be...

Of course...

Yes, have a nice day, sir.

Karkat, you are wanted in our faculty sponsor’s office.

OH, COME ON!

Of Course We Will Join You After The Conclusion Of The Show To Defend Your Position  
As Always

FINE! WHATEVER, I’M OUT.  
 ***DOORSLAM***

...

I believe we have time for one more question today.

**_WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?  
Signed, Troll Olol_ **

Your timing is simply impeccable.

I will assume this is addressed to me, and as such I believe you may be drastically misunderstanding the purpose of this radio show. Unless my earliest human memory has somehow affected your, I assume, quadrants in some way, I have nothing to say to you.

Rose I Do Not Believe That Was A Person And The Question Is Irrelevant But I Will Answer It Briefly Nevertheless Since You Brought It Up My Earliest Human Memory Is Of A Small Brown Girl In Multicolored Clothes And Luminescent Shoes All Of Which I Coveted I Watched Her At The Playground For Several Weeks Then My Lusus Purchased A Similar Set Of Footwear For Me But I Still Continued To Watch Her

Now if you will excuse us, we have a cohost to bail out of trouble.

Please Join Us Again Tomorrow.


	3. Day 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Containing these queries: Whight Bread, Faithful Friend, Perturbed Palhoncho, Advertisement Interlude: Holidays, Equine Ethics, Just One-dering, Schrodinger's Wheel
> 
> (Some of these are titled by pseudonym and some were more fun to name something else. These non-pseudonym names don't appear anywhere in the script but do appear on homesmut as chapter titles.)

Hello, and welcome back to another day of Quadrant Queries. As always, you are here with your hosts Rose Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, and Karkat Vantas who, thanks to the forgiving nature of our faculty sponsor, remains a member of the team here.

Thank The Faculty Sponsor Karkat

GO eat chalk. YOU CAN’T SILENCE ME.

We Would Not Have It Any Other Way

Truly, it would have been a tragedy to lose you.

OK. I’M GOING TO BE THE MATURE ONE HERE AND INSIST WE START THIS THING OFF BEFORE I AM DRIVEN TO VIOLENCE AGAINST THE BOTH OF YOU.

IT IS WAY TOO EARLY TO DEAL WITH YOUR gilgamesh.

 

_Help me. Two days ago, I ran into a man online, now he is sending me miggisigs about how I will be the best wife ever because I am whight. I just want him to go away._  


****_Signed, Whight Bread_  


 

WHAT.

THE ENTIRE.

flibbertigibbet.

I Believe They May Have Meant To Type Wight

KANAYA, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME WE HAVE WIGHTS ON CAMPUS?

This is certainly surprising.

Yes I Never Thought Our Advice Would Be Needed By The Undead

ARE WE... ANSWERING A QUESTION ABOUT NECROPHILIA RIGHT NOW?

IS THAT WHAT’S HAPPENING?

It would appear so.

HELPING ZOMBIES DODGE THE dingdongs OUT OF NECROPHILIACS, RADIO KSBRB LADIES AND GENTLETROLLS.

I AM ACTUALLY MARGINALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE TODAY.

KICK HIM IN THE BALLS.

Kanaya, if you have any ideas on how to salvage this question, by all means...

Well Caller

That Is Awfully Presumptuous Of The Man To Assume That Just Because You Are Of The Wight Race That You Will Be An Excellent Wife  
Does He Assume Your Rotting Limbs Will Prevent You From Leaving Him  
Or Perhaps He Somehow Believes That Undeath Has Given You Excellent Skill In The Kitchen  
Far Be It From Me To Condemn Interracial Relationships But His Interest In You Seems Unhealthy At Best And Disturbingly Fetishistic At Its Most Likely

SO YOU’RE DEFINITELY RIGHT IN WANTING TO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS CREEP.  
HE IS THE DISTILLED VERSION OF "I DESERVE TO DATE YOU BECAUSE I LIKE HOT GIRLS" AND ASKING FOR MARRIAGE WITHOUT EVEN GETTING "YES" TO A DATE.  
TELL HIM YOU’RE ALIVE AND NOT ONLY THAT, YOU’RE A DUDE. THAT’LL STOP HIM IN HIS TRACKS.  
WHY HAVEN’T YOU BLOCKED THIS GUY ON EVERY ONLINE APPLICATION YOU HAVE?

ALSO, WHAT THE cartwheel IS A MIGGISIG?  
IS THAT SOME KIND OF MAGGOT?  
WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT TO A ZOMBIE, YOU UNFEELING PAN-ROTTED WASTREL?  
THEY _EAT FLESH_.  
HERE HONEY I GOT YOU A BOUQUET OF CHEW YOUR ARM OFF SLOWLY.  
WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLE BULBOUS tubesock.

You are in rare form today, Karkat.

YOU’RE WITNESSING MY BOTTLED UP ESSENCE OF QUERY, COALESCED FROM WHEN I WAS COOLING MY HEELS IN THE SLAMMER.

You mean the 45 minutes we spent in our sponsor’s office?  
Wherein I made it a point to sit on his desk in order to discourage you from flipping it?  
Which did not end up discouraging you from attempting to flip it?

IT’S HIS FAULT FOR BUYING FURNITURE FROM IKEA. IT JUST LENDS ITSELF TO FLIPPING.  
AND YES, IT WAS VERY GOOD FOR MY CREATIVE PROCESS.  
FLIPPING THE DESK WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN BETTER, THAT THING LOOKS LIKE THREE TWIGS WITH A PLANK ON IT.  
IT WAS MADE TO BE UPSIDE DOWN.

We Are Getting Off Track Here  
This Kind Of Person Generally Does Not Listen To Any Reason Do Not Waste Your Energy Telling Him You Are Uninterested  
Block This Man That Is All You Can Do  
If He Continues To Find Ways To Pester You Contact The Proper Authorities And Have Him Dealt With

OR SUCK OUT HIS SOUL. YOU CAN DO THAT, RIGHT?

Karkat, that’s racially insensitive.

RIGHT, SORRY, THAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAVE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM, AND IT PROBABLY TASTES LIKE THE ALLEY BEHIND A BAR.

Shall We Move On

**[♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRdxUFDoQe0&ob=av2n)**  


 

**_I, a human, have a close friendship with a troll. Recently, they have started acting very angry towards anybody I try to give or recieve advice. I assume they have pale feelings for me, but for humans such a relationship is not romantic. I do not want to lose their friendship, but I still would like to be able to help or get help from other friends as well. What should I do?_**  


**_Your Faithful Listener_**  


 

I believe you are correct in assuming that your friend has developed pale feelings for you.

AND I’M CORRECT IN ASSUMING YOUR FRIEND IS KIND OF A JEALOUS, MENTALLY DEFICIENT carpHOLE. TROLLS KNOW WHAT FRIENDSHIP IS TOO, AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT HOW YOU TREAT A MOIRAIL. OH YEAH, CHASE ALL THEIR FRIENDS AWAY, THAT’LL spongecake WOO THEM.

Karkat  
Helpful Advice Please

GET SMARTER FRIENDS IS HELPFUL ADVICE.

We Really Do Not Need You To Be Called Away Again  
So  
The Unrequited Pale Crush

It can be incredibly difficult for trolls to understand the human’s point of view in such a situation. I believe a more understanding translation of Karkat’s ideas would be, "aid your troll friend in understanding your feelings."

Yes You Want To Be Able To Communicate To Them That You Do Not Wish To Take Your Friendship In The Pale Direction But Still Wish To Remain Friends With Them At The Same Time

As Karkat pointed out, it is rather rude of them to attempt to force their advances on them, particularly when the notion of moirallegiance is not native to your culture.

NO, WHAT I SAID WAS THAT ONLY DIAPER dancing WIGGLERS THINK THIS IS A GREAT WAY TO GET A MOIRAIL.

Perhaps The Troll Friend Has Misinterpreted Their Desires

I’m certain they do not mean to do the listener wrong by it, and they are likely very upset to see them seeking consultation from multiple sources when they are of the mind that they have reached that point of intimacy with the listener.  
You’ve likely acquired a troll friend who has had limited exposure to human culture over the course of their life. They are simply ignorant of the inappropriateness of their behavior, although that does not excuse it.

IT WOULD ACTUALLY BE A PRETTY GOOD DEED IF YOU COULD SCHOOLFEED THIS marmoset ON WHAT THEY’RE DOING WRONG SO THEY CAN FLIRT PROPERLY AND FIND A MOIRAIL. THEY SURE AS dongle NEED ONE.

There is also a chance that your troll friend, desperate as they may be interpreted, is not entirely at fault here.  
You likely engaged unknowingly in some activity that they interpreted as pale flirting.

The Combining of The Human And Troll Ideas Of Romance Can Be Complicated For Those Who Do Not Understand

Ask yourself, have you reclined in some form of pile with your troll friend recently? Maybe had a long heart to heart about someone they hate, thinking you were just enjoying mutual derision of another living creature?

The So Called Feelings Jam Is Often Taken As An Intention To Form A Pale Relationship  
Perhaps The Pile Was Made Of Pillows

AND NO NOT A PILLOW FORT.  
OR ONE OF THOSE GIANT LEGUME FILLED SEATING SPHERES.  
THAT IS THE LAST TIME EGBERT GETS ME TO SIT IN ONE OF THOSE.

He claimed you had difficulty returning to your feet.

I FELL ASLEEP SHUT UP.

I Understand How You Could Be Lulled To Blissful Sleep In A Bag Of Beans

IT EATS TROLLS.

It is a difficult skill to gain, the ability to arise from a beanbag chair.

Quite

Perhaps We Should Conduct An Experiment To See If It Will Truly Eat You

I’M NOT GOING NEAR IT, IT HUNGERS FOR FLESH.

I’m certain John would be willing to provide materials.

Oh I Would Assume That He Would Be The First Source To Contact

No human being should possess so many legume stuffed pieces of furniture.

I Really Must Speak With Him About His Decorating Sense

IT’S BECAUSE HE’S SO FULL OF beans HIMSELF. THOSE SEATING SPHERES HAVE A NATURAL ATTRACTION TO HIS HIVE.

Roaming herds of them travel across the savannah to reach their final destination: the Egbert Household.

It Is A Sight To Behold  
The Yearly Migration Of The Legume Bags

They cross miles of predator ridden terrain, wide rivers, burning deserts.

Wriggler Bags Become Separated From Their Dear Lusus Bags

EVERY YEAR HALF OF THEM GET CULLED BY THE DUMPSTERS BEHIND THE DORMITORIES.

Only the strongest may survive.

A Tragic Sight Indeed  
Perhaps That Is Where He Procures So Many

Oh...

I hope that is not where he gets them.  
That is simply offensive.

IT WOULD EXPLAIN THE SMELL.

I think we may need to have an intervention.

We have derailed violently.

The Blame Lies With Karkat

THEN I’LL END IT.  
GO TALK SOME SENSE INTO THAT codpiece. THEN TAKE TWO PILLS AND CALL US IN THE MORNING.  
TIME TO RAIN SENSE DOWN ON A FRESH THINKPAN.

**_a friend of mine is unable to feel proper hate towards anybody but himself, so he keeps having these black flings, and he recently got really injured due to a particularly violent one. how can i help him?_**  


**_Perturbed Palhoncho_**  


 

It is almost as if they are speaking about you, isn’t it, Karkat?

SHUT THE ryebread UP THAT IS NOT ME.

I FEEL SO MUCH HATE TOWARDS EVERYBODY ON THE PLANET THAT IT LOOPS AROUND THE EQUATOR TWENTY-EIGHT TIMES, MAKING THE OCEAN CHANGE CURRENTS FROM THE SHEER NUMBER OF MIDDLE FINGERS IT RAINS DOWN ON THE POPULACE.

ALSO, DO I LOOK LIKE I’M LYING LIKE A HELPLESS GRUB IN A COMA WARD TO YOU?

Oh Come Now Karkat  
You Have To Admit That Under Different Circumstances And Influences This Could Have Been You

MAYBE IF I HAD A GROTESQUE MELTED SET OF OCULAR SHIELDS INSTEAD OF A THINKPAN. IT WOULD TAKE AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WORTH OF BULLhonky TO MAKE ME THAT CRAZY.  
YOU MAY AS WELL FLIP THE HEMOSPECTRUM AND CALL ME A GOD.  
HELL, WHILE WE’RE AT IT I’LL FALL IN HATE WITH ERIDAN.  
THAT’S HOW STUPID YOUR IDEAS ARE.

EVERYONE SHUT THE glub UP NOW.  
MAKE BELIEVE TIME IS OVER.

Alright Alright

We will cease our incessant jabs at your general personality.  
So, listener. You say your friend has been reckless in their blackrom lately.

That Is Indeed A Dangerous Situation To Be In

TAKE IT FROM AN EXPERT, BLACKROM ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT. IF YOU’RE RISKING YOUR GLOBES THEN YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

AND I DON’T MEAN BE A LAME RIVAL AND RISK NOTHING, BUT REALLY IF YOU ARE ALMOST DYING ON A REGULAR BASIS, *YOU ARE ALMOST DYING IN REAL LIFE*. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF YOU DIE? WHAT’S YOUR MATESPRIT GOING TO DO? THIS ISN’T SOME ribbon dance ASSASSIN DATING SIM. AND IF YOU’RE ALMOST DYING ALL THE TIME FOR NO REASON TO COMPLETE STRANGERS, YOU’VE JUST SQUARED THE POINTLESSNESS OF YOUR DEATH.

DON’T TAKE KISMESITUDE LIGHTLY. IF YOU ARE TOO HUNG UP ON YOURSELF TO HATE SOMEONE PROPERLY, YOU NEED TO QUIT THE GAME. OTHERWISE YOU JUST END UP DESERVING THAT DEATH.

However this is not about you, I suppose. This is about your friend. Given that, the first thing for you to consider is the state of your friend’s moirallegiance.

THEY PROBABLY FLAT OUT DON’T HAVE ONE.

You have not explicitly stated whether you are in fact their moirail or not, and this is really their responsibility. Someone needs to get through to your friend that there are others out there far more deserving of their hate.

Their Self Infliction Of These Emotions Is Clearly Dangerous To Their Physical Being And Detrimental To Their Romantic Life

Make sure any attempts you may make to advise them are not interfering with a pre-existing relationship, or that you are prepared for the implications of your aid.

Your Potential Unwillingness To Become Their Moirail Does Not Change The Fact That They Need One  
If They Are Lacking A Moirail And You Are Not Willing To Take That Place In Their Life You May Wish To Refer Them To The Campus Calignous Counseling Center  
They Will Provide Platonic Pale Advice To Keep Them From Taking Their Kismesitude Too Far  
Death Is Not The Goal Here

COME TO THINK OF THAT, ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY KILLS THEIR KISMESIS IS THE OLDEST ROCK FILLED TURD OF DATING MATERIAL.  
WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A KISMESIS AND THAT THEY ARE RELIABLE AND HAVE MORE THAN ONE BRAIN CELL BEFORE DOING ALL THIS RISKY lilac IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR FRIEND CAN’T RESIST. OR HANDLE.

QUIT WATCHING ACTION MOVIES.  
QUIT WATCHING HORROR MOVIES TOO.  
DEFINITELY QUIT WATCHING SNUFF PORN.

Karkat Please

ALL I’M SAYING IS THIS GUY HAS AN IDEA OF HOW KISMESITUDE WORKS THAT IS ABOUT AS REALISTIC AS LALONDE BEING A NINJA WARRIOR.

Oh, are we doing this again?  
Then if Karkat is a God then of course I am a ninja of the highest caliber.

And A Seadweller

I lead a band of elite forces of aquatic-based stealth warfare.

NINJAQUATICS?

That sounds absolutely ridiculous.

WHATEVER, EITHER THIS GUY IS COMPLETELY OUT OF IT OR HE KNOWS HOW KISMESSITUDE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK BUT JUST DOESN’T GIVE A stipend. RANDOM VIOLENCE IS THE ONLY THING THAT DISTRACTS HIM FROM HOW MUCH HE HATES HIMSELF AND HOW DOOMED ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM WOULD BE. HE’S MESSED UP.

Which Is Why It Is Imperative He Seek Counseling From Some Source Immediately  
We Hope You Take The Necessary Actions Dear Listener

Now Then  
May I Be A Rainbow-Drinker In This Bizarre World Of Yours

Yes.

NO.

NEXT QUESTION.

It is time again that we break briefly for announcements.  
You are listening to Quadrant Queries here on KSBRB, your campus’ finest and only source of student generated radio programming.

While The Enthusiastic Turnout For Last Weeks Contest Held By The Church Of The Mirthful Messiahs Was Thoroughly Appreciated On Behalf Of The Maintenance Staff And General Populace We Request That You All Cease Placing Their Complimentary Scripture Magnets Anywhere And Everywhere Across Campus

I SERIOUSLY SAW ABOUT 30 OF THEM STUCK TO A BUS ON MY WAY HERE TODAY. HOW DID YOU DO THAT? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!  
BY THE WAY THE WINNER OF THAT DRINKS CONTEST WAS KSBRB’S OWN SCOURGE SISTERS.

The Volcano Was Quite The Unique Touch

AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHARKFACE PUT IN THAT STUFF BUT IT’S A GOOD THING THEY WERE NON ALCOHOLIC BECAUSE I HAD AT LEAST FIVE OF THEM.

In Other News, With The Imminent Change In Months The Human Holiday Of Mole Day Will Soon Be Upon Us  
Meet In Parking Lot C At 6:02 AM On October Twenty Third  
Anyone Who Is Currently Attending A Chemistry Class Will Get Ten Bonus Points And A Free T Shirt

Kanaya, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but that is not a holiday outside of the chemistry department. Though I’m sure Karkat will be celebrating.

A FREE T-SHIRT IS A FREE T-SHIRT.

In regards to Halloween, however...

Which Is A Superior Holiday Celebrating The Dead  
The Universitys Anime Club Will Be Holding A Costume Party In The Café Area Of The Student Union The Saturday Preceding  
There Will Be Refreshments And All Are Welcome To Join  
I Myself Will Be Attending And Taking Part In The Costume Contest

You had best apply yourselves, ladies and gentleman, lest my compatriot sew circles around you.

There Will Also Be Simultaneous Viewing Of "Anime So Bad It Is Scary" As That Is In Keeping With The Theme Of The Club After All  
For More Detailed Information You May Search The Club Database Online Or Email The President Nepeta Leijon

nougat YES. I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT FOR HALLOWEEN.

Quite fond of it, are we?

HELL YES, ME AND EGBERT ARE GOING TRICK-OR-TREATING. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH CANDY YOU CAN MILK OUT OF THE FRATS ONCE THEY GET GOOD AND DRUNK? I AM GOING TO FILL PILLOWCASES, LALONDE. PILLOWCASES. THAT WORD IS PLURAL AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL FOR IT.

Are You Not A Tad Old For This Venture

THE LAST I CHECKED I WAS NINE AND FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND OF HUMAN CULTURE THAT IS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE AGE.

Would that make John your guardian, then? Surely it would be irresponsible for someone your age to be wandering the streets alone on Halloween.

DON’T. REMIND ME.

JUST BECAUSE I’M EXPLOITING THE AGE RELATED LOOPHOLES IN YOUR POORLY THOUGHT OUT SUCROSE AND CORN SYRUP ATTAINING RITUALS DOESN’T MEAN HE NEEDS TO HOLD MY HAND WHEN WE CROSS THE STREET. EVEN THOUGH HE KEEPS TRYING TO DO IT ANYWAY SO HE CAN GET ME WITH HIS sticky HANDSHAKE ELECTROCUTION BUTTONS. COVERED IN MELTED CANDY.

That’s... precious.

candycorn YOU.

**[♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQuVFBSPGcU)**  


ONLY HALLOWEEN NOW.

 

That Is All We Have For Announcements Today  
Let Us Have A Look At This Next Question

I must begin by saying that I am not sure why I am even asking this of you, but desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose.

Lately, I have been having... 100d thoughts towards a certain highb100d, however much he does not act in a way befitting his caste. But my apologies, I have no right to be disappointed in his conduct, for he is my better. And as his inferior, it is not my place to "make the first move," so to speak. I have tried to drop subtle hints about my STRONG feelings for him, but he does not seem to pick up on them. He responds admirably when I ask him to boss me around a little bit, but that is as far as it goes.

Most of the time, he is too... stoned to pick up on these blatantly obvious signals, because he has an unfortunate habit of polluting his precious b100d with unnatural to%ins. And yet, despite his deplorable behavior, I cannot seem to rid myself of these positively inappropriate feelings for the highb100d. What do I do.

You will commence with the dispensing of advice. I command it at once.

Centaur’s Um

I Do Not Believe I Can Say The Other Half Of This Pseudonym On Air

Oh...

OH GOD.

I Will Take This Moment In Which You Find Yourselves In A Stupor To Remind You Both That It Is Our Duty To Ensure That The Identities Of Our Listeners Remain Anonymous And You Shall Be Phrasing Your Answers In A Manner That Does Just That

Not That It Will Make A Difference

OH MAN.

I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO UNLOAD ON THIS gender pronoun omitted FOR SO LONG.

Go easy on them, Vantas.

NO. THIS IS THE KIND OF UNBELIEVABLE CRAP THAT OUR nubBACKWARDS SOCIETY HAS BRED. I AM GOING FULL TROLL BILLY MAYS LEVELS OF VOLUME AND UNMITIGATED RAGE HERE BECAUSE gender pronoun omitted AND EVERYONE ELSE WITHIN RANGE OF THIS RADIO SIGNAL NEEDS TO HEAR IT.  
SO LISTEN UP, BUDDY, YOU AND EVERYONE OUT THERE LIKE YOU.

fondle.  
THE.  
HEMOSPECTRUM.

IT’S A NEW WORLD AND A NEW ERA AND WE DON’T HAVE TO OBEY THE OPPRESSIVE, ARBITRARY LUNACY MADE UP BY A WASHED UP GENERATION OF GRUBtouchers WITH RUSTED PANS, JUST SO THEY COULD FEEL LIKE THEY WERE flipping BETTER THAN SOMEONE. NO ONE IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE JUST BECAUSE THEIR BLOOD IS A DIFFERENT COLOR. NO ONE IS flying WORSE THAN ANYONE FOR THE SAME DAMN REASON. RUSTBLOOD OR ROYALBLOOD, A GOOD GUY IS A GOOD GUY AND A JACKhammer IS A JACKhammer. THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF PEOPLE JUST STOPPED SUPPORTING THESE OUTDATED IDEAS AND GOT THE rainbow OVER THEMSELVES. THAT MEANS YOU, JACKknife.

YOU LIKE THIS GUY? DISLIKE THIS GUY? PITY OR HATE THE EVERLOVING wingdings OUT OF HIM? YOU TELL THAT SPACED OUT SON OF A goat RIGHT THE hop NOW. IF I WERE HIM, OR KNEW HIM, THEN I BET HE WOULD BE THE LAST PERSON TO GIVE A FLYING truck ABOUT THE COLOR OF THE liquid THAT RUNS THROUGH YOUR VEINS. HE SOUNDS LIKE A USELESS PIECE OF flotsam WHO HAS SOPOR OR SOME OTHER THING IN HIS SYSTEM WAY MORE OFTEN THAN HE SHOULD, BUT IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY STAND UP GUY. AND WHILE YOU CREEP ME THE crab OUT, IT WOULD REALLY BE NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHO HE ENDS UP PICKING FOR HIS CONCUPISCENT QUADRANTS. IT WOULD BE MY BUSINESS AS HIS FRIEND, HOWEVER, TO SEND ANYONE WAXING RED OR BLACK FOR HIM HIS WAY SO HE CAN MAKE HIS OWN DAMN DECISION AND THE POOR SAP (THAT’S YOU) DOESN’T GO BEATING THEMSELVES UP OVER SUCH AN ARCHAIC, WORTHLESS NON-ISSUE.

YOU GO OUT AND YOU PITY OR HATE OR LOVE WHOEVER THE ponies YOU WANT TO, AS STRONGLY AS POSSIBLE, BLOODCOLOR AND RACE AND GENDER BE DAMNED.

DO IT.

I MOTHERcuddling COMMAND IT.

 

...

You know...  
There are obvious parallels to human society that I could draw attention to here but...

I Think We Should Just Leave It At That  
Bravo Karkat  
I Know This Is A Subject Quite Close To Your Heart

IT GIVES ME SOMETHING TO SHOUT ABOUT.

You Seem To Have Gotten Spit All Over Your Microphone

IT HAPPENS.  
AND THAT’S REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER.  
GOOD LUCK, PONYBOY.

 

Well That Was Refreshing Though Also An Utter Failure In Identity Censorship

OH COME ON. I DID NOT REVEAL THE IDENTITY OF ANYBODY.  
IF THEY COULD GUESS WHO THE WRITER WAS BY WHAT I SAID, I pushing GUARANTEE THEY ALREADY GUESSED CORRECTLY A THOUSAND TIMES OVER FROM THE LETTER ITSELF.

And with that, we push onwards to our next foolhardy listener.

 

_**What would one do if one had reason to believe ones caliginous crush was having red relations with ones flush crush?**_  


_**Just One-dering**_  


 

AUGH, WHY DID YOU WRITE THIS LIKE SUCH A BULGING HEMMORHOIDAL TOOL?  
I CAN UNDERSTAND NOT WANTING TO TALK ABOUT YOURSELF DIRECTLY BUT THIS.  
THIS IS festive HORSEbanana.  
HOW ABOUT ONE TAKES ONE’S SOCK AND ONE’S PROTEIN CHUTE AND CRAMS IT?

I have to agree, their manner of speaking makes me consider breaking into my mother’s wine cellar and camping out for a few days...

AFTER THAT, HOW ABOUT ONE GROW ONE GLOBE AND ASK AT LEAST ONE OF THEM OUT? I WOULD SUGGEST THE CALIGINOUS CRUSH, SINCE THEY’RE NOT bassoon TAKEN ALREADY, GENIUS.  
MAYBE THE FACT THAT THEY GOT YOUR CRUSH WOULD EVEN KINDLE YOUR ROMANCE FOR A LITTLE WHILE UNTIL YOU FIND BETTER REASONS TO HATE THEM.

It certainly seems like the most reasonable option.

HELL ASK BOTH OF THEM OUT; MAKE YOUR CALIGINOUS CRUSH MAD.

Oh But That Is Cruel To The Flush Crush

The writer does not actually know whether they are dating, and the flush crush is free to say no. Or yes, since the writer is actually serious about both, and in that case it would not even be toying with them for the sake of a rivalry, correct?

It is also possible that in the act of pursuing just the caliginous crush, you may find out for yourself whether they are intimate with the flush crush. Or actually whether either of them are taken by someone else in the quadrant you are interested in, since you seem to have limited knowledge of either party.

You May Even Have A Spate Of Luck And Get Both Of Them If They Are Not

BUT JUDGING BY YOUR LETTER, I WOULDN’T COUNT ON IT.

I Can Imagine The Flushed Missives Already

Is there nothing that would make you take pity on someone who was hemorrhaging third person?

...Perhaps If They Were A Rainbow Drinker In An Enchanting Nightgown On A Balcony

You should have learned by now to be careful what you say around me, but I can’t say that I’m not glad you have not. I will keep this in mind for future reference.

ANYWAY, NOT GOING AFTER YOUR CRUSHES JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK IN YOUR TINY LITTLE RUSTY PAN THAT THEY MIGHT BE PAILING EACH OTHER IS A stool sample REASON.  
ESPECIALLY SINCE UNLESS IT’S SOME KIND OF DOUBLE REACHAROUND, THERE IS ONLY ONE QUADRANT THEY COULD POSSIBLY BE IN AND IT’S STOPPING YOU FROM GOING AFTER TWO. MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP BEING SO eleventy OBSESSED WITH THE NUMBER ONE. YOU REALIZE THERE ARE FOUR QUADRANTS, RIGHT?

As A Troll I Recommend Getting Over Your Fear Of Asking People Out Who May Have At Least One Quadrant Filled Because You Will Encounter This Situation Frequently

You may even get a crush on one of their other quadrants. If you were a human, this would be unfortunate but completely normal and the wisest course of action would be to ignore it.

However It Is Sometimes Not A Bad Way To Create An Auspiceticeship As Long As You Do Not Drag Someone Out Of Another Quadrant To Mediate For You  
Do Keep In Mind Pulling Quadrants For Yourself From The Partners Of Those You Are Dating Must Be Done With Care And Forethought If Done At All Or It Can Create Unworkable Reacharounds Or Break Quadrants  
But In Your Circumstances Dating Either Or Both Of Your Objects Of Affection Would Not Cause Any Issues Since They Would Either Not Be Dating Each Other At All Or Not In The Same Quadrant As You

In conclusion, ask and you might have a chance of receiving.  
To demonstrate, I have asked the lovely Karkat to hand me another letter, and lo, here it is.

 

**_I have two friends who are also friends, but who fight often. (All three of us are human, so normally I wouldn’t address this in a quadrant fashion, but a quadrant outlook might give us a better chance of resolving things.) And I guess I would be okay with them having this rivalry thing going - but since I’m friends with both of them, they expect me to act as an intermediary. Except I’m sick of doing so - yet if I don’t, I’m worried what will happen between them._**

**_from Unwilling Third Wheel_**

 

Before answering your question, I would like to address something.  
While the name of this radio show may be "Quadrant Queries," we are open to questions about all forms of romance and relationships, both troll and human.  
You are welcome to ask questions that have nothing to do with quadrants.

Yes We Are More Than Happy To Try To Answer Relationship Woes From Anyone Who Requires It

YOU THINK I’M NOT HARD ENOUGH? BURY ME IN YOUR HUMAN QUESTIONS.  
WE’RE ALL pingpong EXPERTS HERE.

Karkat’s phrasing aside, the point stands.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PHRASING ASIDE?

I’ll tell you when you’re older, dear.

THAT SENTENCE WAS SO EXQUISITELY COMPREHENSIBLE THAT EVEN SOLLUX’S ANGEL MACHINE LEFT IT ALONE.

Sollux’s censor program unfortunately does not possess the complexity needed to mask every suggestive turn of phrase we could possibly come up with.  
Including the lexical faux pas you just managed.

OH EXCUSE ME, I THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT THAT PEOPLE HELPED THEIR FRIENDS WHEN THEY MAKE A MISTAKE. BUT NO, I FORGOT THIS IS ROSE LALONDE, WHO WOULD RATHER BEAT A TWENTY MILE RADIUS AROUND THE cantankerous BUSH AND LAUGH AT YOU BEHIND HER PRISSY LITTLE HAND.

I was only attempting to spare you the embarrassment of explaining while the whole campus can hear. And I cannot help that I found your statement amusing.

I DON’T GIVE A FLYING pagoda WHAT THE REST OF THE CAMPUS THINKS ABOUT WHAT I SAY, AND YOU KNOW IT.

And yet you were just preaching racial ethics with the fervor of, who was it you said? Troll Billy Mays?

NO, SEE, THIS IS BULLfrogs. I’M NOT DANCING AROUND WITH A ROSE IN MY TEETH AS A PART OF YOUR PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TANGO.

"A rose in your teeth," you say? Now how should I interpret that?

LOOK, YOU CAN GET OFF ON PISSING ME OFF ALL YOU WANT, BUT-

Alright That Is Enough You Are Both Just Currently Going Off Topic In A Completely Unacceptable Manner  
How Appropriate That We Are About To Answer A Query About Auspisticism  
Allow Me To Begin With A Demonstration With My Wonderful Cohosts  
Karkat The Workplace Is Not An Appropriate Location To Make Wanton Black Solicitations  
You Have No Legitimate Feeling Behind It And Thus It Just Wastes Time  
And Rose Honestly There Are Times To Humor Karkats Shenanigans And We All Enjoy Ruffling His Feathers To Some Degree But You Have Gone Beyond That  
Now You Are Just Antagonizing Him And Again Wasting Time  
Perhaps We Could All Act Like Civil Adults And Please Address The Question

Forgive me, you are right. This has gotten out of hand.

Karkat

YEAH YEAH, I’LL BE OVER HERE TONING THE HATE DOWN. IT’S JUST HARD HAVING SO MUCH FOR THE WHOLE WORLD AND EVERYONE IN IT.

Now Then The Question

Yes, they could definitely use a touch of your expertise.

Although I Believe That Due To The Unique Circumstances I May Also Require Your Help  
Your Friends As You Said Appear To Be Attempting Something Along The Lines Of An Ashen Romance  
Whether They Consider It Something Romantic Or Not The Similarity Is There  
Two Feuding Parties  
A Mediator In Between  
However All Parties Involved Must Be Willing To Participate  
Which You Claim Not To Be  
Even For Troll Romance Where This Sort Of Relationship Is Appropriate And Common  
Forcing Another Into The Position Is Not

While I don’t know the full details of your friends' "rivalry," from a human perspective it is entirely inconsiderate for them to expect you to deal with their feud. Perhaps if they were attempting to fix things between each other, the situation would be different. But you seem to express that their interest is in maintaining their conflict. If this makes you uncomfortable, it is unacceptable.

Another Thing  
Even With Trolls Many Ashen Romances Are Volatile And Were Just Not Meant To Be  
Your Friends Have Stayed Friends Despite Their Arguing For This Long  
They Will Probably Continue To Do So Without You Protecting Them From Each Other

AND IF THEY DON’T THEN THEY GET WHAT’S COMING TO THEM.  
IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT, GET OUT OF THE QUADRANT.

I Would Suggest Swiftly Breaking This Off Before Your Resentment Makes You Start Hating Your Friends  
Sit Them Both Down And Have A Talk About How Uncomfortable This Situation Is Making You  
It Might Even Force Them To Work Out Their Problems With Each Other

IT’S TOO BAD THEY’RE NOT TROLLS. BEING A CHAFING NOOKSTAIN TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS IS PRACTICALLY A PREREQUISITE.  
ALTHOUGH YOU PULL IT OFF PRETTY WELL, HUH, LALONDE?

Karkat

Are you still trying to seduce me, Mr. Vantas?

Rose

HOLD ON, I NEED TO GO VOMIT UP EVERYTHING I HAVE CONSUMED IN THE PAST WEEK AT THE IDEA.

So what you’re saying is that I should begin taking your advances seriously? Karkat, I never would have expected. I may just swoon.

BITE ME YOU SNARKY BROAD.

You Two Are Impossible

In Closing Third Wheel You Need To Be Honest With Your Two Friends And Make It Very Clear That You Want No Part In Dealing With Their Rivalry

Now I Must Ask Our Dear Listeners To Excuse Me While I Deal With My Two Cohosts

OH COME ON WE’RE JUST ARUGING WITH EACH OTHER. AND LALONDE IS NOT GUILTLESS IN THIS SITUATION.

I never claimed to be my dear Karkat, but watching you become so very flustered just adds a wonderful dash to my already delectable day.

DON’T PUSH ME LALONDE! YOU DO NOT WANT TO TAKE ME ON.

I believe the common phrase used in this case would be 'come at me bro'.

OH I WILL COME AT YOU. AND THERE WILL BE NO larval hugging WAY YOU WILL COME OUT OF THIS UNSCATH-  
KANAYA, WHAT ARE YO- OWOWOWOW WHAT THE butter squash DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING

I Hope You Will Join Us Next Time On Quadrant Queries Where My Cohosts And I Will Hold A Wonderfully Civil Discussion About One Of Your Questions

YES, TOTALLY CIVIL, THE CONVERSATION WILL BE THE MOST CIVIL THING THIS UNIVERSE HAS EVER SEEN. THE UNIVERSITY’S RULES AND REGULATIONS WILL BE SPONTANEOUSLY PROPOSING MARRIAGE TO OUR ADMINISTRATOR IT WILL BE SO CIVIL. TEREZI WILL ALSO BE PROPOSING MARRIAGE TO FRANZISKA VON KARMA. THE CEREMONIES WILL TAKE PLACE IN CIVIL COURT.

Yes, I believe that will be the situation in which we will find ourselves. So until then dear listeners.

**♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪**

**HI THIS IS TROLL BILLY MAYS HERE WITH DERMICLEAN!!!!!!!!**

**BUY THIS DANGEROUSLY CAUSTIC DETERGENT, YOU DISCARDED DIAPERSTUBS!!!!! YOU DON’T WANT TO BE ENCRUSTED IN FILTH, DO YOU?!?!?!?!**

**OF COURSE YOU DO, BUT NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO SMELL YOUR NASTY CREVICES!!!!!**

**SO BUY THE DAMN DETERGENT AND YOU WON’T HAVE TO WONDER WHY PEOPLE RUN FOR THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET WHEN YOU’RE STILL FOUR BLOCKS AWAY!!!!!**

**AND SERIOUSLY LEARN SOME HYGIENE, YOU DUMB MALEFACTORS!!!!!!**

**THAT’S WHY YOU CAN USE THIS CLOTHES DETERGENT AS SHAMPOO AND BODY WASH, TOO!!!!!**

**REMOVES ALL STENCH FROM NOT BATHING LIKE A NORMAL, CIVILIZED FORNICATING TROLL!!!!!**

**WATCH ME DIP HALF THIS WASTE COVERED TROLL’S BODY IN A VAT OF DERMICLEAN!!!!! THOSE ARE SCREAMS OF SHOCK AND AWE!!!!! LOOK AT HOW FAST IT’S DISSOLVING THAT DIRT!!!!! NOW THAT’S SOME GODDAMN STAIN FIGHTING POWER!!!!!!!!!**

**HELL, IT MIGHT EVEN KEEP YOU FROM REEKING OF SOPOR, EVEN IF EVERYONE WILL KNOW YOU’RE A WORTHLESS, DRUG-ADDLED PRICK THE MOMENT YOU START SPOUTING OFF ABOUT SPARKLING MIRACLES LIKE A BRAINDEAD GRUBLING!!!!!**

**STILL, YOU WON’T SMELL LIKE A JUNKIE!!!!! SO SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON DERMICLEAN TONIGHT!!!!!!!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fine works of literature referenced in this chapter (in addition to [Broadcaste System](http://archiveofourown.org/works/368317/chapters/599394) which is always) were [Be the Seadweller Lowblood](http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread.php?38844-Be-the-Sea-Dweller-Lowblood) and [Promstuck](http://promstuck.tumblr.com/) / [Marchingstuck](http://fuckyeahmarchingstuck.tumblr.com/). Go read them if you haven't!


	4. Day 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Containing these queries: Fruitloops, Country Mouse City Troll, Inquiring Minds, Advertisement Inter100d, Springs that go Phweeee in the Night, Foe of the FCC

Hello  
And Welcome Back To Another Day Of Quadrant Queries Here On KSBRB  
I Am Kanaya Maryam

Rose Lalonde.

and 2ollux captor fiilliing iin for a candy addled iidiiot

I CAN HEAR YOU, clavichord, AND I'M STILL HERE.

You May Have Noticed While Listening To The Preceding Program That Several Of Our Stations Hosts Have Been Rather Distracted With The Spoils Of Hallows Eve  
Several Refuse To Leave Or To Focus On Their Work  
We Are Dealing With This As Best As We Can

2o whiile kk and jn biicker about 2weet2 at the back of the 2tudiio, ii took iit upon my2elf two help out.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING IN THE LEAST, YOU’RE JUST STICKING AROUND TO MINE OUT ALL MY BIT O’ HONEYS BEFORE I GET TO THEM.

ii'll bee your biit o' honey, kk.

GO CHOKE TO DEATH.

He wouldn't have had the chance to bother you if you all had not brought this mass of junk food to the studio this morning. Honestly.

HE WOULDN'T FEEL THE NEED TO IF HE COULD BARTER LIKE A DECENT GENTLETROLL.

rose you don't understand! we spent all night sorting and now we have to trade it evenly and it is really hard because karkat is a cheater.

YOUR JUDGMENTS ARE SKEWED IN YOUR FAVOR AND YOU KNOW IT.

it is not my fault you don't know the value of blue things!  
blue candy is pretty much the rarest candy and always worth more!

BULLskittles.

That aside, and as previously stated, while our usual co-host works to determine the exchange rate of a sucrose-based economic system, Mr. Captor shall stand in at the microphone.

not that he'2 not goiing two come over here every tiime he ha2 2omethiing two complaiin about.

I Am So Excited For Today

That Was Human Sarcasm

***RING RING***

Who in the world...

OH COME ON. THERE'S NO WAY THIS IS ABOUT ME AGAIN. THE SHOW HAS BARELY EVEN STARTED. 

Yes...

I see....

Fascinating...

FIGHT ME.

Is this some sort of joke? We are running a show here and we haven't time for such shenanigans...

If you are going to use such language, fine, I will allow you to speak to him. But you are not getting off that easily.

If you are going to waste our time, you are going to waste it making a fool of yourself on air.  
Karkat, if you would come over here for a moment.

HELLO? WHO THE heath IS THIS AND WHY SHOULD I CARE?

_Ok, look. I have recently found myself an unwitting participant in what I can only hope is a very stable time loop. My future self has told me though, that I am doomed to die, and also that writing to you will not help me at all. Karkat, what should I do?_

 

WHAT? SO... YOU CALLED INSTEAD? HOW IN THE milkyway SHOULD I KNOW?

2eriiou2ly, kk’2 not that 2mart.

ACTUALLY SCRATCH THAT, MY PAST SELF IS STILL MANAGING TO BE A bellybutton FONDLING IGNORAMUS. I KNOW THE PERFECT THING YOU SHOULD DO. FIND YOUR OTHER TIMELOOP SELVES AND HAVE AN ORGY.

Karkat, again?

YOU'RE DOOMED ANYWAY, RIGHT? YOU MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY YOURSELF.  
LITERALLY.

_Are… are you sure?_

But What If He Does Not Have The Ability To Cross To Other Time Loops

Kanaya, are you really going along with this?

THAT WOULD BE less than ideal AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. WE SHOULD GET STRIDER IN HERE TO FIX THAT. BUT MY ANSWER STANDS. YOU ARE IN A REALLY verbose SITUATION RIGHT NOW, BUT OUT OF ALL THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF muck YOU COULD HAVE BEEN MIRED IN, THIS IS ONE OF THE LEAST PUTRID KINDS.

YOUR OTHER SELF HAS AS MUCH AS TOLD YOU THAT YOU ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO DIE. IT'S LIKE HAVING A TERMINAL DISEASE, BUT WITHOUT ANY OF THE INCONVENIENT SYMPTOMS THAT GO ALONG WITH SOMETHING BAD ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY KILL YOU.

I KNOW YOU HAVE A LIST OF bananas YOU'VE BEEN MEANING TO DO BUT WERE TOO CHICKENchips TO EVER GET AROUND TO. EVERYONE DOES. SO GO DO IT NOW. IN LOVE WITH ANYONE? CONFESS TO THEM THIS INSTANT. THEN GO DO EVERYTHING. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSES ANYMORE. CRAM THE MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF ENJOYMENT INTO EVERY MINUTE YOU HAVE.

Who Knows  
If This Were To Be The Answer It May Very Well Be Necessary To Your Escape

do you really think 2o?

Why Else Would His Future Self Trigger Him To Contact Us In The First Place  
In Fact How Else Would He Possess A Future Self Unless He Managed To Free Himself And Regain His Future  
All Signs Seem To Point To His Future Self Being Aided By Someone Skilled With Time Manipulation In Order To Trigger This Series Of Events

SO THEN EVERYTHING I JUST SAID IS ESSENTIAL?  
SEE, LALONDE? SOMETIMES THE ANSWER IS “ORGIES.”

I Was Thinking More Along The Lines Of “Enjoying Life To The Fullest” But If The Caller Deems “Orgies” A Part Of That Then Far Be It From Me To Stop Him

_Is… there any way you can just help me with this mess without me resorting to… myself?_

It seems that, in order to retain my sanity, I must indulge in this charade as well. Now caller, this is very important to steering this scenario towards more logical ground. Tell me how long your time loop is, and when it starts and ends.

_Well, it lasts about a week, starting at 7 AM Tuesday and then proceeding disastrously to my inevitable end the next Monday at 8:27 PM exactly._

Wonderful. With that, I will now contact my dear sibling so that we can have yet another buffoon here to aid you in your time of need. If anyone can abuse the time stream to the point of freeing you, he’s the one.

AND THEN YOU’LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO TIE UP LOOSE ENDS AND DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. WINK WINK, ASSHOLE.

waiit, how exactly doe2 thii2 tiime loop end?

_I get hit by a bus and you would not BELIEVE the extents the universe will go to to make sure a fated death happens. I was on top of a skyscraper last time. I don’t have ANY idea how the hell that one still managed to happen._

Perhaps Another Thing To Ask Of Mr Strider When He Arrives  
We Must Continue With The Show But Do Leave Your Radio On To Listen In Such That You May Call Back Upon His Arrival

_Thank you._

If this ends up being a prank, sir, I will personally see to it that your time loop of cycling death ends permanently.

***CLICK***

2o what’2 wiith your total refu2al to beliieve that guy’2 telliing the truth?

Knowing Strider for as long as I have, I have been subject to more time-related… how do I put this…

ASSHATTERY.

More time-related asshattery than I would have believed possible.

wait, rose, so you fell for his time lies? i mean i used to all the time but i never thought you would!

FORGET ABOUT THE TIMEY WIMEY BULLtardis AND FOCUS HERE, EGBERT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOARDING ALL THOSE REESE’S CUPS YOU CAN’T EVEN EAT THEM.

that doesn’t mean i have to give them up for nothing! and i still want to know.

While he never managed to succeed in convincing me of his tall tales and fabrications, his perpetual attempts wore on me.

Would You Say Time Has Left You A Bit 

Jaded

I Am Not Sure If My Being A Jade-Blood Means That I Have Succeeded With This Pun Or Not

Perhaps We Will Address The Next Question And Forget I Said Anything

_I've spent most of my life in a rural area with little to no trolls present. It was only when I came here that I began to learn about troll customs and such. Now, I'm on the verge of a mutual matespritship with a lovely troll girl. The problem is that the term "matesprit" is more or less the extent of my knowledge about troll romance and culture, and I'm terrified of doing something horribly wrong or offensive because of the cultural differences between us. Advise?_

_Calamity Jane_

 

Karkat You Are Not Allowed To Attempt To Explain Troll Romance

we would bee here all day iif he diid.

I think we can handle this without his furious expertise. They are awfully distracted over there as it is.

NO, YOU IDIOT, THREE CANDIES IS A HORRIBLE EXCHANGE, IT’S teabagging HIGHWAY ROBBERY!

sour things work differently!

NO, THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE VALUE OF SWEET TO SOUR.  
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RIP ME OFF THIS TIME, EGBERT.

auuuuugh! you suck!

Anyway  
I Believe This Question Is A Very Good Segue Into A Basic Lesson On How Troll Quadrants Work

Perhaps we should focus on just the flushed quadrant for this lesson. There is a lot of information if we go into every quadrant and Heaven knows Karkat has explained the calignous aspects in detail already.

Indeed

ii remember that. that wa2 funny.

kumquat YOU, CAPTOR.

hate you two, kk.

So, Miss Maryam, if you would start us off?

In Regards To The Flushed Quadrant The Main Aspect In Play Is Pity  
However Troll Pity Is Not Analogous To Human Pity Wherein Human Pity Is Often Seen As A Negative Feeling To Have Towards Another Person  
It Is More A Feeling Of Wanting To Protect Another Troll And Or Human

However, the terminology does not translate well, nor do the cultural mannerisms for expressing these emotions.

Alas Culture Clash Is A Large Part Of Interspecies Quadrant Misunderstanding

yeah, ii triied telliing a human 2he wa2 pathetiic once.

ii diidn't realiize human female2 could punch that hard.

You need to maintain a very communicative relationship with your matesprit to ensure that there are no such catastrophic misinterpretations.

Rose Is Correct

You Nursed That Black Eye For A Solid Two Weeks Did You Not

ii’d rather forget about the whole thiing.

Moving On Then  
The Emotions At The Source Of The Attraction Are Definitely Different From Those Felt By Humans  
The Main Thing You Need To Remember In The Flushed Quadrant Is That Your Matesprit Is Not Making Negative Connotations When She Tells You That She Pities You  
If You Are Open With Any Misunderstandings Of Terminology And Your Matesprit Is Truly Understanding Then It Will Probably Be Helpful To Your Relationship

Likewise, you should ensure that she also understands the many aspects of human romantic feelings, and that your apparent lack of or downplaying of pitying emotions is not an affront on either of your parts.

and iif iit doe2n’t work out iit’2 not the end of the world, riight?

ok you guy2 are 2eriiou2ly outdoiing me iin thii2 adviice thiing. why am ii even here?

GOOD QUESTION.

Just Do Your Best

ii gue22 they could both try to 2ee from the other’2 per2pectiive? ii don’t know, the whole thiing ii2 ju2t hard two under2tand and not giiviing a crap about what the other per2on thiink2 really doe2n’t help.

Life experience is valid advice, Sollux, you are better at this than you think. Perhaps you would like a position on the show?

OH HELL NO!

kk jegu2 fu-

MOVE OVER, CAPTOR! YOU ARE NOT STEALING MY SPOT IN THIS SHOW.

ii’m pretty 2ure 2he wa2 kiiddiing, move your fat a22 thii2 chaiir ii2 totally not biig enough for both of u2.

NOPE.

Karkat, for the love of-

JOHN, DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY CANDY WHILE I’M OVER HERE.

no promises!

NEXT QUESTION.

 

Hmmm

It Seems “Inquiring Minds” Would Like To Know

_Though I do not have a romantic query of my own to offer, may I request further discourse from Miss Lalonde regarding her thesis? I find relationships between trolls and humans to be a fascinating subject as well, and hearing your findings on the matter would be most enjoyable._

Far be it from me to quash your curiosity. It’s nothing much as of this moment, since I am not really expected to work on a thesis until next year. I have done no official research, as this damnable position as an undergraduate prevents me from acquiring the necessary time, funding, etcetera, although I do have theories. I am presently testing the waters to see if there is something substantial to any of them. 

MORE LIKE YOU ARE TRYING TO GET AHEAD OF EVERYONE ELSE IN THE GAME.

Is There Really Anything Wrong With That

We can’t all spend our free time watching RomComs, Karkat.

Or Reading Romance Novels

wriitiing code and programmiing not relevant to our cla22e2.

Sorting through mounds of candy.

Caring For An Unusual Number Of Hermit Crabs

aggravatiing 2ollux.

Browsing UrbanDictionary.

Making Up New Swear Words

makiing up new 2wear word2 and addiing them two urbandiictiionary.

NO ONE ASKED ANY OF YOU.  
ESPECIALLY YOU, CAPTOR, GO HOME YOUR SHOW IS OVER.

excu2e me, ii am a gue2t.

CLEARLY NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU RESPECTS CINEMATIC AND LITERARY ART, OR OTHER PEOPLE’S HOBBIES.

or fetii2hes. 

STOP THAT!

ehehehe, kk you make iit two ea2y.

THE LISTENERS CAN’T SEE IT BUT I AM FLIPPING YOU ALL OFF. YOU jeez, kk, thii2 ii2 a lot of 2weariing calm down.

iit’2 hard enough tryiing two talk wiith you crammed iin my 2pace let alone manually cen2or all thii2 2tuff.

NO ONE ASKED YOU TO.

Karkat We Absolutely Did

ALSO IT’S NOT MY FAULT EGBERT BOUGHT A DOZEN OF THE LITTLE THINGS AND DOESN’T REMEMBER TO FEED THEM EVER.

hey!  
i just get distracted! i don’t mean to!

jn.

what are their name2?

THEIR NAMETH, THOLLUKTH, ARE “hug” AND “YOU.”

HALF A DOZEN EACH.

haha, no, they are all named after spongebob characters.

that2 amaziing.

John You Are Such A Sweet Boy

IF WE COULD ALL STOP FANTASIZING ABOUT THE TERRIBLE PET OWNER THAT IS MY ROOMMATE FOR FIVE SECONDS, LALONDE, I BELIEVE SOME NOOKWIPE ASKED YOU A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR ii’m a crabby crab RESEARCH.

Of course.

I suppose my specific interest, beyond the vague statement of “troll/human relationships,” lies in the quadrants of red romance. I would like to acquire a deeper understanding between our two species’ definitions of “pity.” Are they fundamentally the same? Are the actions, expressions, lexical terms used to express it similar? Or perhaps the terms do not line up so perfectly. One of my pet theories is that Alternian “pity” would be more suitably called “compassion” in English terms, but there is only so much I can correlate and confirm based on mere observation.

I’m sorry that I cannot be more detailed.

On top of my lack of actual data, I don’t need anyone borrowing from my research ideas.  
Not that I suspect you of such, dear listener. But there are those who would and we are on public radio.

2o doe2 kanaya help you wiith that or 2omethiing?

PROBABLY, THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO GO WORK ON SOMETHING AFTER THE SHOW. 

Of course.  
After all, she is my case study.

I Am More Than Happy To Assist

I SWEAR I SAW YOU BOTH AT STARBUCKS LAST WEEK, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU STUDY THERE, THE FREAKING MENU?

ALSO THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE OUR THING WE DO AS A GROUP, COME ON.

oh my god you are 2uch a wiiggler.

Sometimes The Weather Warrants That We Procure Hot Beverages At Times When You Are Not Present Karkat  
It Is Not As Though We Went In The Morning Before The Show Without You

WHATEVER.

karkat you can always ask me if you want to go to starbucks!

THIS DOESN’T CONCERN YOU!

Oh dear.  
It seems in order to spare our co-host’s feelings we will have to study elsewhere.  
My, my, where on earth could we go?

My Apartment Is Always Available

Well, it’s settled then.

AWESOME.

kk you are 2o 2tupiid.

SAYS THE GUY WHO PUT GRUBLOAF IN THE OVEN WITHOUT TAKING THE horcrux PACKAGING OFF.  
AND NEARLY BURNED DOWN HIS APARTMENT. 

ii wa2 codiing for a week straiight!

SAYS THE GUY WHO SAT CODING FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT.

2hut up!

YOU SHUT UP!

You May Both Take It Upon Yourselves To Shut Up

I expected better of you, at least, Sollux.

ARE YOU KIDDING? HOW COULD YOU EXPECT ANYTHING BUT THIS AFTER INVITING CAPTOR ON TO THE SHOW?

Is It Possible To Make It Through A Single Day Without This Studio Becoming An Ashen Free For All  
I Understand Today Is Rather Hectic But Can We At Least Try

I GUESS OUR SCREWING AROUND HAS KIND OF BEEN INTERRUPTING THE SHOW…

Kind of?

2orry ladiie2.

we’ll try two tone iit down.

 

correct me iif ii’m wrong, but ii2n’t iit tiime for an announcement break?

Thank the Elder Gods, you are correct. You are list-

YOU ARE LISTENING TO QUADRANT QUERIES HERE ON KSBRB, HOME OF THE MOST MALICIOUS DEN OF CHEATING THIEVES IN THE TRI-STATE AREA.

karkat, if you want the airhead that badly you can just have it.

We Have Something Of Particular Interest This Week

It seems we have received a response to some of our advice from the previous show.

WHAT? REALLY?

Yes, appreciation from a certain listener with a… distinct manner of speaking.

YOU’RE KIDDING.

I

I Am Not Certain We Should Actually Read This On Air

NO WAY, YOU KEPT THIS FROM ME AND IT’S BOUND TO BE HYSTERICAL.  
GIVE IT, I’LL READ IT.

Karkat Wait

_D— > Oh. _

_Oh my._

_Well. I am presently whipped into a state of contrition. If you… command it, in such a forceful and authoritative manner… then._  
 _I suppose I can try to, er, be less of a stickler, so to speak, about the hemospectrum._  
 _Now, if you’ll e%cuse me, I need to find a towel, and a certain highb100d._  
 _E%cept, I don’t believe I am allowed to call him that anymore. This may take some getting used to. Regardless, I have something I need to tell him. Some… red feelings to confess._

_I… Thank you. You certainly have been il100minating._

… WELP.

I KIND OF FEEL LIKE I NEED TO HIT THE ABLUTION CHAMBER.

oh god kk, what exactly diid you 2ay two hiim?  
ii am diigiing through the log2 and fiindiing thii2.

do it! it was really funny but also kind of inspirational and pretty sweet.

kk ii2 a lot of thiing2 but he’2 not 2weet.

he is pretty much the embodiment of a sweet-tart and you know it!

touché, jn.

SOMEONE.

ANYONE.

SOME OTHER ANNOUNCEMENT PLEASE I NEED TO GO EAT EVERY SNICKERS.

That Is Not A Healthy Coping Strategy

CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HOW GOOD NOUGAT IS.

Of Course Not

The Anime Club Would Like To Express Its Gratitude To All Those Who Attended The Costume Party This Past Weekend  
It Seems The Turnout This Year Was The Largest They Have Ever Had

diid you end up wiinniing that co2tume conte2t, kn?

ARE YOU KIDDING? THERE WAS NO COMPETITION, SHE TOOK THE CAKE.

My Fellow Participants Put In A Great Amount Of Effort And Many Of Their Resulting Outfits Were Spectacular  
But If We Are Speaking Metaphorically  
I Had No Need To Take The Cake As It Arrived With My Insignia Already Upon It

sick burns there maryam  
careful or youll leave those kawaii bastzzzrds crying into their body pillows

And the Knight of Time graces us with his presence.

Good To See You Again David

hi dave!

TOOL OF TIME.

2up.

lalonde there are way too many fzzzcking people in this studio what the shzzzt  
it reeks of chocolate and the potential for mass equipment destruction in here   
captor tell me im not going to have to dig milkduds out of my turntables i dont think my old heart could take it  
oh wait i can just make nitram do it

ii got iit all under control.

note the border2 of candy corner have been roped off wiith the fiine2t velvet rope and 2oliid gold 2tand2.

masking tape on the floor  
fzzzcking beautiful work there man  
which pile over there belongs to vantas im pretty sure i need to dig through it and take every last fireball

OH I SEE HOW IT IS. STRIDER GETS A RECORD SCRATCH FOR A CENSOR AND I GET poppycock THAT MAKES ME SOUND retarded.  
THANKS, CAPTOR, YOU’RE A REAL friend.  
WHY COULDN’T WE HAVE CONTACTED ARADIA INSTEAD?  
SHE IS JUST AS CAPABLE OF TIME snop AND NOT IN ANY WAY LIKELY TO GIVE ME AN ANEURYSM.

You Know Very Well That She Has Lecture This Hour

Thank You For Coming On Such Short Notice David

no problem babe  
enough with the david crap though you sound like every principal i ever had  
so whats this about some jerk stuck in a time loop

It Would Be Easiest To Hear From Him Yourself  
Caller You Should Be Listening In  
Now Is The Time For You To Call Again

…

…

…

THAT keelhaul marksman ISN’T CALLING BACK.

I feared as much.

maybe he ju2t…

lo2t track of time.

I AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU.  
I AM NOW IN THE ACT OF PUNCHING YOU.  
I AM NEVER GOING TO STOP PUNCHING YOU.

hey not everyone can be as skilled as strider at this shzzzt  
ill stick around see if he remembers his imminent doom later  
pretend im not even here

OR YOU COULD JUST LEAVE.

THAT NEVER STOPPED BEING AN OPTION.

nope   
ive gotta help out my fellow assholes stuck in temporal fzzzckery  
were out on the front lines taking on whatever that commie father time has to throw at us and im dragging back bodies hit by higgs boson missiles  
no man left behind

Not that it doesn’t pain me physically to cut this metaphor short, but we really ought to recommence the show.

cool

play me off captor

eheh, 2ure thiing, ds.

[♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_7u3nhANa4)

AUSDUFHAOSDAIFHAOSIDHGIJO

awww, you guys know we both hate this movie!

 

I Am A Bit Confused  
From What I Understand That Movie Is An Earth Cult Classic  
I Would Think You Would Enjoy It

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOVIE KANAYA?

Yes In Fact I Found It Rather Entertaining Even While Understanding None Of It

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOVIE IN THE PRESENCE OF ERIDAN?

I Cannot Say That I Have

LET ME PAINT YOU A SCENE, MARYAM.  
OF TWO ROOMMATES FINALLY GIVING IN TO THE WHINING AND GLUBBING OF A LONELY FINFACED HIPSTER AND INVITING HIM TO MOVIE NIGHT.  
AND A CERTAIN WINDBAG OF A ROOMMATE FELT SO BAD FOR HIM HE LET HIM PICK THE MOVIE.

i’m sorry that was the worst decision ever he was just so mopey and then he looked so happy when i suggested he pick the movie and-  
augh! i can’t even say any more that was such a bad night.

IT LIVES ON IN INFAMY.  
I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES.

that 2ound2 about riight. 

I Will Not Press The Issue Further Then

While we continue to wait for our caller, shall we continue with the queries as well?

NO POINT IN WASTING TIME, LET’S DO THIS.

_My next door neighbor likes to get it on with his matesprit or boyfriend or whatever the fancypants it's called when a human bones a troll, at, like, obscene hours of the night or really early in the morning. And they always wake me up, and it's really diddly annoying. I've tried banging on the wall, but they just bang back and keep going at it. So, what can I do to get them to shut up?_  
  
 _Sleepless In Apartment 24B_

 

ehehehehehe.

Oh Come Now

kn, ii’m 2orry but that ii2 ju2t really funny.

IT’S REALLY FUNNY UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU. THEN IT’S PRETTY MUCH THE MOST DISTURBING THING TO KEEP A GUY FROM SLEEPING AT NIGHT.

care two 2hare your experiience wiith the cla22, kk?

Sollux, I believe you were warned about pointless antagonizing.

fiine, look, 2ee, thii2 ii2 me 2huttiing up.

that’s funny.  
dave, isn’t your apartment number 24C?

holy 2hiit iit ii2, ii2n’t iit?

lalonde pass that letter over here like a basketball at halftime

Against my better judgment and disregarding how little you understand about basketball.

oh man  
mike did you seriously send this shzzzt to the advice show run by my sister  
thats fzzzcking creepy bro

no way!

that douchebag who liive2 next door two you?

HANG ON, HOW ARE YOU SO SURE IT’S HIM? THERE ARE A duckTON OF APARTMENT BUILDINGS ALL OVER CAMPUS.

checkin the handwriting  
looks the same as the pissed off notes i keep finding taped to my door  
the guy just doesnt appreciate the soothing sounds of barry white and party blowers at 3 in the morning kind of a dick if you ask me

haha, party blowers? what do you even do with that?  
wait, i don’t think i want to know, bluh, no, i am not thinking about that.

i dont blame you egbert thats a hard fantasy to ignore  
just you me a box of wine and some cheap shiny plastic doodads from family dollar

dave, shut up!

ill put on how do i live and blow one in your ear and you-

STRIDER, SHUT THE quad UP OR I SWEAR TO EVERY CONCEIVABLE GOD I WILL GUT YOU WHERE YOU STAND.

easy there vantas its just a joke between best bros calm your nubs

You Are Being Rather Inappropriate David I Cannot Blame Him

don’t be a jerk, either, karkat’s horns are cool.

fine but seriously mike we milk it pretty hard and half the time we arent even doing anything  
we just bang the walls and pots and pans and shout as loud as we can to see your sleep deprived face in the morning  
its all for you buddy

That Is Extremely Inconsiderate And Frankly I Cannot Understand Why Your Matesprit Would Go Along With It

yeah i may have told him at first that it was some human seduction ritual  
but  
mike is a dick

it was gonna be a one time thing just a prank you know  
but he got so bent out of shape and some pretty hateful words were shared through the poorly insulated plaster  
and neither of us really give a shzzzt anymore  
hes actually going to snag his roommates vuvuzela next time i am stoked

ehehehe, that’2 har2h.

WELL THIS IS FANflanTASTIC.  
WHAT THE HELL DO WE SAY TO THIS GUY NOW?  
“WE FOUND THE SOURCE OF YOUR PROBLEM BUT HE DOESN’T SEEM TO GIVE A quark, WHOOPS, SORRY, YOU POOR BASTARD, LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE blimp OUT OF LUCK.”

I Admit I Am At A Loss As Well

LALONDE, YOU’RE YOUR BROTHER’S KEEPER OR SOMETHING RIGHT?  
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.

Ok.  
Look.  
Mike, was it?  
You should start looking for another apartment.  
Under ordinary circumstances I would advise you to have a calm, mature confrontation with your neighbor about their habits.  
Perhaps apologize since apparently your immediate response was to shout and bang on the walls right back at them.

and write angry letters like a little bzzztch

But you see, my brother is a lunatic.  
Now that you have earned his ire you are not going to escape it.  
And just when you think it can’t get any worse, he will find a way.  
Again and again and again.  
There is no reasoning with him.  
Concede defeat and seek accommodations elsewhere.   
And be prepared for some sort of horrible surprise the day you move out.  
God knows he will wish to send you off with a bang.

aw sis  
i dont know whether to be touched that you are trying to help me get rid of mike or pissed that im not going to be able to fzzzck with him anymore

FREUD you, Strider.

im afraid thatd be incest babe

I Think We Should Perhaps Move On  
Things Are Becoming Hostile Again

how about another segue tune captor

[♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0I6mhZ5wMw)

 

(Several months ago the radio show “Quadrant Queries” was temporarily pulled from the campus radio station pending legal inquiry into damaged equipment, wielding weapons within a school building, and severe failure of censorship. This recording was found archived in university files.)

YEAH, I WOULD PROBABLY WRITE ANGRY LETTERS TO YOU TOO IF I HEARD THAT gold COMING FROM YOUR ROOM.

you have no class vantas

I’M JUST SAYING WHEN IT COMES TO HUMAN LOVE SONGS HE CANNOT COMPARE TO CELINE DION.

you shut your whzzzre mouth

you guys are terrible at segues!  
i’m not even a guest host but i’m just going to do it for you.  
rose, i am going to read the next question.

Knock yourself out.

_hey its me again_  
 _testin the wwaters wwith this kismesis here based on your advvice_  
 _i cant get anywwhere near his computer and mailin him ship ended up backfirin_  
 _nearly burned my fins off that wworthless pail-licker_  
 _anywway_  
 _i think ivved finally figured out wwhats going on_  
 _hes alwways bitchin and glubbin at this one guy_  
 _so im presumin hes got himself a black crush on him_  
 _i cant imagine wwhy_  
 _the guys a noisy little mutant nowwhere near as quality as me_  
 _so i guess wwhat im askin here is_  
 _do you havve any advvice for breakin them off_  
 _and any better advvice for wwinnin him ovver_  
 _your prevvious suggestions obvviously didnt wwork_

_Flounderin Foe_

and that john is our signal to retreat to candy corner  
id pop some popcorn but i dont want to miss a second of this

karkat you are turning really red, are you ok?

now hang on, ii can explaiin.

Oh shit, Kanaya hold him back!

YOU UNBELIEVEABLE HORN FONDLING FUCK!  
JUST WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING HIM TO GET HIM OFF YOUR BACK?!

kk, ii 2wear ii diidn’t 2ay anythiing liike that two hiim.

OH NO I’M SURE YOU DIDN’T “THAY” ANYTHING, YOU JUST GO TO HELL AND BACK TO IMPLY IT EVERY CHANCE YOU GET YOU NOOKCHAFING BUCKET OF HOOFBEAST EXCREMENT!

oh yeah becau2e ii’m the one who 2tart2 2creamiing and 2hiittiing rage every tiime 2omeone dii2agree2 wiith me or make2 the 2malle2t joke at my expen2e!

OH SO EVERY TIME I DEFEND MYSELF FROM SOMEBODY’S BULLSHIT ACCUSATIONS I’M BLACKFLIRTING WITH THEM?! YEAH THAT MAKE’S A SHITTON OF SENSE!

you jump to fuckiing conclu2iion2 and attack anyone you can! iit’2 no wonder he thiink2 we’re iin a blackrom!

WELL ACCORDING TO YOUR LOGIC I SHOULD BE IN A GODDAMN BLACKROM WITH EVERYONE SO HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?!

that2 riight! how could he po22iibly thiink iit wa2 ju2t me when you are the biige2t hate2lut on campu2?! 

DON’T YOU DARE ACCUSE ME OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT WHEN YOU’VE BEEN STRINGING THAT SEADWELLER ALONG FOR SWEEPS!

fuck you, you know he’2 iimpo22iible to get riid of!

IF YOU RISE TO HIS BAIT EVERY FUCKING TIME, YEAH, BIG SHOCK HE’S STILL AFTER YOU!

diid you really ju2t make a fii2h pun about thii2?!

hey captor psionics and sound equipment dont mix rein that in

NO I MADE A FUCKING POINT, PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR WASTECHUTE YOU SHITPANNED WIGGLER!

you fiir2t, a22hole!

FUCK YOU, CAPTOR!

ii’d rather kiill my2elf!

Rose I Fear I Am Losing My Hold On Him

OH SO NOW YOUR BULGE IS TOO GOOD FOR ME OR SOMETHING?!

you’re the one who’2 got “all thii2 hate” and 2tiill can’t land a kii2me2ii2!

karkat, i think you should put the sickles away…

I’M GOING TO DESTROY YOU.

ii’d liike two 2ee you try.

T̙̠̥͘h̙̯̦̥̙ͥ̃̈́ͬ̈ͯ̂a͎̺͖̩ͥ̒̅͗̂ͩ͠t̻̞̟̫̤̼͇͂͢ ͍̟̲̱ͨ̆̅̄̌̅i̴̹͕͍ͥ͆ͯs̭͔̫͓̠̾͑̋ͭ͋̀ ͈̹̏e̙ͤ̄̓̾͋́n̫̻͔͓͛ͅo̭͛u̝̭̻͑̑ͯ̂͗ͣͅg͕͓̩̮̰h̖̻̼̩͇́ͅͅ!̘̝̟͖̳̰͆͆̂

B̮̝̩̮e̩͓̝̺͚͎̜̾ ͍͉̍ͧ̂̀̚s̡̹̭̬ͩ̋̃ḯ̳͔̰̦̖̥̙ͣ̓ͭḷ̩̤͕͓̍͐̊ͬ̆ͩ͠ȅ̢̺̹̟̹̯̯̭ͧ͑ͤn̺̱ͭ̓̄̊̇ͧͭͅt͔͉͍̣̥͂́͑́ͧ̉͛̕!͈̜̌͝

Ḃ̲̪̱̋̌̑ͤ̂̀ͅo̟̙͌ͭ̏́t͂ͧ͒̽̎͏ḩ̻̦̋ͧ̍̀ ̮͍͙̄̋̓̚o̜͖̹͕͇̐͂̔͋f̭̰̺̤͎̳̍̽ ̩̲̠̻̮ͥ͞ỹ͚ͣ͘o̹̜ͦ̈́̾ͥ͋̇u̙̦͕̹ͧ̆̍͗̐̊!̙̞̬̠̥̒̎͜

OH FUCK.

ease up on the grimdark there lalonde

yeah that’2… that’2 ju2t a2 bad for the equiipment a2-

I̱͎̻͗͂̿̆ͣ͟ͅͅ ̴͚̉ͭͮ̆̂ͅṯ͍̙̞͙ͨoͯ̈͡l̤̜̲̪̄ͩ̒̓d͖̲̈ͩ̋̃ͧͤ ̩͇͒̈́ͫÿ̒́̍̅̉͘ō̜̟̩̞̖͕̔u̟̘̘͈̺̾ͯͩ̑͒ ̛̮̠͌̾ͩt̷̼̭͍̝̹̥͉ỏ̳̣̖̻̹̣̳̇̍ ̖̥̜͓͋̈́͗̐͑͑ͅb̯͓̼̟̭̚ȅ̞͕͎̳̮̦̳̄̍̂͒ͯ̚ ̧̰̹͙̜͛̆̀͒̏ͅq̣̗̠̜̪̻ͭ̿̆ͥų͊́̓̏͋͂ͯí̴̮͕̟̱̣ͪͤ̎̾̽̈ḛ̥̘̖̥͈͉ͤ̉̃̓̊ẗ̺́ͣ.͇̝̲̱͙͐̓

...

N͈͔̳̩̤͛͞o͔̮̖̖̎w͍̭͍͍̫͎̰͂͊̄̿ͭ.̱͖̉̄ͯͧͩͣ

̞̫̊̆̑Ī̎͒̔ͧfͬ͂̒̎ͬ́ͫ ̛̥̰̤͙͐̎y͚̏̍ͥ̾͋̋͘ǫ͈͖̤̻͖ͦ̐̆̆ͤű̴̮͔͉̹̜̌̏͂ͨ ̝̱͎͇̥ͭͪ̀̋ͦw̤̝̩̪̤̩͗͆́i̐ͯ̍̽̃̏̏͏͓̺̦͚̰͙ͅl̗͍̼͚͔̟͇͐͜l͓̦̜̥͕̞͍ͥ͂ͭ̓́ ̛̟̙̯̟͎̖͋͊n̖͈͚̤̪͗͗̆̽o̯̫͓̮͕͔̩͐̌͋̋ͤ̎t̛̰̜̟̪͈̰ͭ͊͌̽ ͙͓̜̝͕̰ͨ̌l̦̮͊́ͨi̥ͤ͌ͯͮ̂̚s̤͓̪̞̤̜ͦͦt̝̪̫͍̲ͦ̍eͣ̉̔̔ͥ̃͂͏̬͇̯̠n̟̺̎̇̆ͯ͂̃͛ ͓͇̠̮͍ṫ͔ͤ̅ͪ̐ͩo̸ ͙͕̱̼̼̱̎͊̽̒r̦͍̤̟͓̍ͤ̊ͣe̹ͤ̏̅̿ͦ̚͜ḁ̷͐̌ͨͭͣsȍͫͣͨ͠n̥̞̳ͪ ̻͇̏ͬͫ̃͗̑ͮy̢̜͖̹̙ͣ͆̈̐ͥőͯͫ͑ͤ͝uͦ͆ ͇̋̄ͥ̓ͅw̱̻̩͔̖ͧ̔̄i̵͖̦̜̹̰̣̥ͬ̂l҉̙̹̻̘͚̗͇l̷̦̫̘͎̞̼ ͖̈̂̈͞l̛̺̺̰ͨ͋͋͛̽̐i̞̟̤̥̺̱ͣ̍͒̈͊͊͌͢ͅş̯̖̖̖̍͋̏ͬ̄̋͗te̴͙̙͓͉̫̮͋ͭ̏̑ͯ̌ͮn̩͔͕̰ͭͤ̎͒́́ͫ̀ ̑̐͋̄͊̚o̩̠̪̮ͮ̾̿̅͟n̷̬̼͆ͨ̎ ̣̟̠̬̮̋̕ť̡̰̞̥̓̿ͥ̆ͧȟ̪̮̝ͮ̈́̚r̦̘̞̬̗ͯ̈̑͛ẻ̖̣͔̮͇̤͆͐a̷̱͚̩̺̹̭͛͋̿ͅt̴̺͚̠͙̠̳̎͂͐̐ͧ̾ͤ ̱̘̫̲͕͒̇ț̢͔̙͚̩̼͛͂̽ͅo̘͖̣͓ͨ͂ ̟̾̽̚y͓̼̬̱̖̱ͦo͏̥̘̺̹͔ṵ̼͉͖̮͓r ̶̹̟ľ̩͍̖̖̾̉́̄̃̕i̠͇̟̞̼ͩ͂͐ͯ̾͋̀͟v̬͕̪̟̲̮ͩ̿̌̀̇͜ë̬́͜s͖̤͉̯̞̟͒̂ͮ.

̖̮̦͈̂̐̌̈́̇̀I͇͕͍̣͒́̈́ͯ͞ ̻͚̞̉͋̓ͨ̓̐̓h̸ͩͤͤa̫͉̱͠d̢̚ ̷̀̃̈́̀̀ͭh̐ͦͨo̓ͯ҉͚͇̘p̟͙̥̼̭̲͂͒̈́̎̆̐͟ȇ̞̦͗̌̑dͬ̆̂ͧ ̸̗͍̹̭͍̙̩̊t͖̼̤̳̠̿͝h͆ͣ̄ͫã̺̂̿ͩ̒t̙̝͙̥̳̬̹ ͯͫͦi̦̻̣̗̜̝̾̊̌̄̇n̡͉̬͖̯͐ͪ̆ ̝̹̬͍̮̾͂ͪͫ̑ͪa͊̏ͨͨͣ͊ ̌̓̚͝p̛̼̤̖̱̭͔ȑ̳̏ͮͬo͇̙͚͈̼͔̟͆f̛̋͌̓ͫͭ̄e̾̐͝s̻̺̪͙͖ͬ̄ͭs̢̲͇̱͖͕̞̝̓͗̄̌ͮͬi̳̹͟ō̤͈̟̥̤̑̃̎ṇ̴̹̘͚̜̼̫ḁͯ̍̍ͯͪ̇ͮ͡l͎̻ͫ̈̓̚ ̢̠̬̖͚̰sͧ͗͌ͧ̂̾͞ĕ̦̯̞̯͕͕̅ͩͭ̏͠t̫͇̪̏͑͛ẗ̷͈͕̙̒̓̈́̃ȉ̟̫n̷̠̱͇̳̝̮̺͋g̣ͭ̐̇̾ ̫͇̺̮̗̦̫ͦ͐̚͡ỵ̗̰̬̠̖̟̑͌͌̐̀ͥo̝̺͈͑͋ū͙͍̼͚ͬ̓͑̾͂͛ ͉̭̜ͬ̓t̄ͯ̾w̳̞̺̰̠̰͇̿̄̿̚̕o̗̰̣̟̲̝ ̮͓̿̒ͩ̊̆͟w͈̦͛̄̕o̧̰ͮ́͊u͎̳̫̞̼̥͎̎l̘͍͆̓̈̒̏̔d̹͙̤̳̲̣̐ͪ̉͂̔͂̃ͅ ̮b̢̲͍̝͍̮̟ͭͪͨͫͫ̂ẽ͇̯̼̅̈͟ ̟̼̘͔c̥͖̜̳͙̻ì̘̙̜̦͇͔ͭ͜v̷͍̉͒̍iͧͪ͛͛͏͔̮̞̭̟l̤̮.̜͕̼̣̖̮͕̌͂̎̏̐ͯ͟  
̷̻B͙͉̣̚u͚̜̥͛̌̾ͣ̊t̛͓͓ͪ͊̉̓͑ ̥̰̬͚͕͍͆́͌̍̑̉ỉ̴̝̰̪̗̞͚̫ͥ̑͛t̺̣̖͚͢ͅ ̝͇̟̝̣͊̑s͙͚͑̂̉̿ͤ̈̌ͅę͍͈͚̬̫̫ͥ̅͛̈́̅e̖̤̻̺̬ͭ̌ͪ̈̿m̙̭s͋̎͗̈̀ ̲I̛͖͇͎̟͍ͫ ̙̠̘͉͈̔̌̈́ͩ͛w̙͇̤͙̏́̊a̱͖̱̮̹̗͊s̒ͩ̑̌ ̧̖͖̟̳̭͚͖̇̀ͪͣ͒ͪw̙̳̯̙̼̱̒̿͗ř͍̤̠͕o͙̦̫̞̭̩̐n͔̭̠ͪ̀̈́̅g̙̺̹̱̐͗̍͠.̂̏̆̿̄  
̷ͨͤN̡̯̦̯͇͙̙̅ͨͨͣ̚ĕ͇ͯͪ̀̾ͥ͐͟i̥̠̖͋ͫt̲́ͫ͑̄̒̅͗͞ḧ̸̉̒ͮ̓ͧę̾ͫ͊̍ͣr͎̘̰̱̜̋ͅ ̥̥̯͕̠̈́̈́̂̿̏͆o͇̮͉̭̞̣͖ͫ̓̊͂͘f̷͖͍̲̜͚͈̯ ̻̫͖̫͍̫̪̈́͜y҉̮͉o̤̰̞̲̗ư͚̱̪̮̗͓̝̋̃ͯ̌̋̊ ̦̥̤͙̱̘͆ͬ̀̔̌̅͟c̢̭̘̬̭̳̗̻ͩ̒o̟̼̦̙̒͐͛u͍̱̯ͧ͂͛̃̆͆̚lͥ͐́̊ͨ̀́҉̹̱̬̘̞d̴̟͕̱̳̑͌ ̖̥̜̗̱̍ͩ̄̑́̃͂͢c̝̖̝̋̇ͩ̌͑a̖̮̹ͬ̐͋̀ȓ̯͓̙̻̒̈̿̌ͅe͍̒̂̏͒ͯ́ ̜̎ͣ̐l̩̪̖͍͆̂́ē̱̮̯̳s̙̤̱̪̱͍s̶̘͕͈ͥͯ́̓̄ͥ ̣͕̟́̓̾͐ͥa͎͚͕̗b͖̫̠̙ͫͭ̃ͪ͌ͯͮo͔͇̞u͔͕̹̪̤͒̌́ͬ̒̈́̓t̰͚̟̮̼͋͠ ̙̤̲͓͇͓w̥̱̝͚̋ͯ̌̍̅̂h̲̯̯̯̬͑̄̒̋ͣ͠a̓҉̻̬̠̬̫̩̺t̵̗̯̹̩̦̗ͥ̌̋ ̝̦͎͎t̡̼̫̮h̡̼̭̞̘͚̜e̼̒ͬ́̓͞ͅ ̼̟a̯͉̩͖͖̪͡u̷̝͗̃̎̿͋̾t̜͌̾h̗̱̖̤̟̞̅̈́o̤ͣ͂̾ͭ̈ͫ̕r̪̭̜ ̳͓̗̉ͥǫ̣̤f͕͙̪̪̆ ̅ͯͫͦ̑̀t̩̩̰̮̲͈͗͒ͮͨh̖̝͇͍̹̻̝̃̓̂̈ͥͪ͌͢ȧ̺t̃͏̮̳̲ ̦̯̗͔͉̑ḷ̯̜̽̆͌̐ê̹̦̺ͣ̓̎̔͢t̝̜̞͍̩ͯ̎ͨ̊̅͌̕t̤̤͎̻̊̿ͣ̽ͦ̇e̞̦̬͈̙̟̜͋r̩̮̘̬̘̮̼͂̆͋́͛͂ ͖ͯ͒́h͓̝̄ͥ͌̑̈̐a̩̮̼͌ͦ̿̈́̀̌ͅs͖̳͑̊ͥ̍͛ ͎͙͈͊̒ͫ̀t̥̘͈̖̙͙ͪ̌̚o̊̍̉̃ͮ̍ ̫̦̄s̯͉̹̯̮̬͍͒͐a͈̺̗͙̦̍̌̐̎ͪ͑ͅy̗͋͗ͯ.̡̻ͮ̀̎̑͊̑ͮ  
̨̯͉ͥ̀̋̆̐̚Ȁ̗̎̒̈́n͇̞̪̗̅́͌͂̉ͫd̠̯͓̯̯̥̦͌ͧ͛ͦ̍̅͡ ̯̩̰̰͖̈́̇̒ͥ̃͌y̸̯̺ͦ͋ͪ̃͒ͩeͥ̂͒̔̚҉̳t͖̓ͭ̇͌ͤ͑ͨͅ ̤͎͛̓͊͢y̤̭̙̞͉ͤ̓̃͗̓͞o̢̹̜̾̈͗̀̎̈ͨṳ̣͔͙̱̥̖͋ͭ̿ͪ́̔̚ ̧͍ͮͬͥ̈̎a̩͔͙̱̦͇͑ͪ̄̇͆̀lͪͧ҉̣l̖͖̺̟̅o̯̥̟̞̙̠͟ẘ̹̄̇ͦ̌̓̈́͟ͅ ̳̪̮͙̣̋ͤ͑t̳̮̮̦̤̚h̦͖̹̻͎̳̬́i̮̖̳̖̺̍ͯ̿ͩ̌͞ṡ̛̪̣̘̜͙̟̯ͫ̾͗̽̓̅ ̺͔̰̼͕̤̍̎ͯ͆̅ͨͤi̝̦͍ͤ͒ͥ͗̾̔͢n̘̲̼̠͒̅́̓̎ͨͩf̙ͩͦ̔͜á̙͈̝̤̬̥ͤͥ̊̒́͐͘n͇̲̭͍̻ͥ̉͗͋̅͑t͚͕̬̮̜̠ͯͤͥ̑ͤ̄i͐̑ͭͪͮ̀l͖͍̮̲͕̠e͕͖̩̲͔ ̒̂҉͈͇̺b̜̜̻͉̉͟e͔̹̮̺͈̩͚ͪ̌̌ͯḩ̺̮̈́̈́̃ͧ̾ͦͅa͖ͪv̡̺̠̖̥͍̻i̙̬̰̓o̤̙͙̫̲̹͉r̟̯̠̪̆ͣ̽ͥ̈́ͨ̆ͅ ̴ͤ̅̇ͣ͗̊t̶̰̦̭ͨͪo̳̺̳͈̖̖̾̎ͯ̍̽ ̡̠̩̳͗c̘̼̻̫͓o̹̭̪ͫ̓̀̚n͈̱̑ͥ͊̾͒̒̉͠t̻͎͓̘ͮ̇͌̑̅̒i̢̼͎̗̰̩̤͐͑̎͗̅͒̔n̗̣̮̦͎ͭͬu͔̒ͭͥͣ͐̕eͧ.̺̦͍̠͗̆̊ͪͥͫͬ͞

͍̞̲̻͈͊ͫͥͨ̉Y̔̇ͣͨo̘̜̹͓̳͙̾̈ͬ̅̈ṵ̡͚̺͖͔͎̉ͧ̃ͅ ̹͈̜̝̫͍̜ͭͦh̦͍͕͙̪͍̅̇ạ̶́͑̂̏͐ͥv̟̬̔e̤ͦͮ̍̚ ̙̲̦͇͉ͪͦͫ̿ͨͦ̓͜ͅf̱̒ͯ̅o̝̲̳̻̦͊ͧ͡r̯̥̿̆̍͊͛͡c̱̱̣̼̤̝̝͊ḛ̷̓ͮ̂̓ͪͭd̔̂ ͈͑ͭmͮ̎̍ͩ̌͝ė̤̬̺̜͕̈̓̀̂̅̌́ͅ ͉̠̫͠t͞o̭̼̙̟͙̟̞ͧ͌̏͜ ̼̫̗͆̈̿̊̄̈́s͙̭̺tͬͨͤ͒͑ͣ̈́͏e̶͍͈̪̳̘̩͌̾ͨͪ̿͊̑p̡̠͚̟̟̳̦̉ ̬͎̘ͭͫ̇ͤȋ͖͕͕̩̖̠͙́̇̏ͪ̾͜ń̤̯̖̝͉̩̆̋ͪ̔̌ͣ.̧̲̹ͭ̎͛ͮ͒̈

̩̙ͦ̍ͯ́͆͐ͯC҉͈̹̤̬̦͖ö̝̘̝̩̀n̫͔̪͑͋̄͆ͨͫ͢g͕̟͖̹̹̝͝r͓̣ͨ͡a̪̲̣̙̤̘t̹̔̓̾̂ͨu͉͖̠ͮͥ͊̔̇̚͝l͖̺̫̼͗ͦ̇̑̿ͬá̛̲̜͓̼̲̯̃̈́ͤ̈ͫͅt̲͓͈͕̩͋i̸̼ͩͧ̅̂̌͐̄o̲̪͎͎̳̰̘ͥ̓̍n̶̳̬͉͈̮͕̆̿̈́s̓̂ͧͪ̚͏̪͇̤.̨̞͇̥̞

̭̩͔͔̣̒̾͌̓ I ̢̜͎̯͙̯͍̓̓͒̎ͪa̝̰̻̯͙̮͉̽̓͑̂͞ṁ͎͉͔̙͉̿̉ ̮̄ͦͮ̈́ͤ̔n̥͇̫̺̖̂ͨ̔̚͝e̫̱w̤̠͚̬͈̣̞̆ͦ̂̅̒̎̏͢ ̦̖͙͇͓̻̔ͨͫ̀͆̚t̨̝͎̥̎̌ͅo̰̯̫̠͈ͩ́ ͇̬̙̩͐͑͂̆̉̏̈a͙̞͊̐͑̽u̯͉̦̰ͤ͑̿̐s̸̟̺̥ͨ̎̌̐ͨp̵͖̖̦̂ì̙̣͈̝͇̖͇͂̇͂͞s̷̖̜̣̜̖̜̱ͭ̃t̲̩̓̈́ͫi̧̭̮̱͊c̸͍̱͉̼ͨ̀ͬͨͫị͚͖̦̓̉̎̒s͒ͣ̒̏͊̅́m͎̠ͤͣͫ̔̚,́̓ͬͩ̿ ̴̞͉̭̗̮̃b͕̟̞̉̈́̾̋̂̿̃u͖̻̝̱̹̻ͩ͛ͯt͔͖̙̺ͩ̽̓ͫͫ̋ ̜̠͓̲͔͂͋̏͜I̅ͮ̚ ̣̘͇̞͕͖ͣ͜b̧̹̤͙̭͎̳͖̓̓e̯̞͓͍̰͂̑ͤ̉̋ͤͭl̘̹̟̜͈͇̲i̷e̺͇̣̲̞̜ͫͦͤ̀̚v͈͓̔ë͈̒ ̲̰̯̪͚̫̓ͣ̽Ḯ͍̼̻͉̱͔͎͊̋ ̗̻̭͑ͭ̚a̻̖̟̭̼̦̠̕m͐҉͎̜ͅ ̦͓̺̥̍́ͪͤ̆͆̚͡ͅd̶̥̙̲̃o̷͐̊ͯͦͮị̷̝̺͒̾ͯn̲̩̪ͣ́ͨ̓ͤͥ͋g̭̱̯̯̊ ̧̗̒q̬͓̅̄ͥ͛̿͗͘u̧̝̩͔ͥ̔ͣ̈́͋̈́̉îͫ̑͂͑ͩ͗t̮͖̹̯͔̘̹ͮͤe̢͇͓̳̥̞ͭͦ̈́ͧ̎ ̧̖̞ͬ̅͂͒ŵ̦̪̱̟̙̅͞ē̖͚̗l͓̩͇̗̠͍͖ͧ͌̀ͯͦl̯̘̜̺͙ͥ͛ͧ̆ͯ̔ͨͅ,̯̻̣̈ͯ͂͐̽̔̽ ̵͖̦̥̎ͯ̇̓d̈́̀o̥̬ͫͫ̍n̪̼̳͂̍̔̈͡'̫̳̰̙̤̾̏t͚͚̰̪͍͕͊͆̃̌ͮ ̩̠̘̼̬̫̊y̛̺̣̽ͦ͋̅̃͐̅o̧̠u̥̣͓̜̙̜͊̀̈̍̃?̛̎̈́

I AM GOING TO SAY YES.  
AND IT’S NOT JUST BECAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE I’D BE DEAD IF I SAID ANYTHING ELSE.

we’ll cool iit, rl.  
you’re riight, no one care2 what fiinface ha2 two 2ay, iit’2 not a biig deal.  
ju2t relax.

Y͖͕̪̋̆͆̐ọ̶͇̲̮̝̀̿ͨͩ̍̏u̲̦͋ͭͨͤ̃ͧ̈ ̜̼̖̩̙́ͩ͑ͣ̑̚ŵ͉̌ͦͫͣ͒i̵̠͖̻̭͋̃̓̍̑̋l̡͉̱ͤͬͦ͛͋̓̇ͅḷ̨̣̇ͧ͊ ̥̣̼̟̝̮ͨ̾ͤ͂͋a̽p̘̿ͭ͌o͙̻̙ͤ́ͤ͜l̰͍̪̼͈͐̆̎o̞͎̣̟̬̔ͅg̣̬͖̪̤ͫ̐̆͢ͅͅi̮͉̙͓̗ͥz̡͉ͯ͋̽eͭ̽̆̾̌̀̋͏͎͚.̻ͨ

...

SO.

PANTS-SHITTING TERROR ASIDE.

I MAY HAVE FLIPPED ON YOU FOR NO REASON.  
SORRY ABOUT THAT.

ii diid kiind of make hiim thiink you were my blackcru2h.  
ii ju2t wanted hiim two leave me alone.  
not one of my be2t iidea2.  
2orry.

... 

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

2hiit, kk, ii 2wear you a2k me that every tiime.

Rose  
Have You Regained Your Composure

Yes, thank you.

Well, we obviously are not going to dignify this query with a response.  
I apologize to our listeners for the... chaos.  
I think it is best we move on and put this nightmare behind us.

Rose?

Yes, John?

i’m pretty sure none of that got censored…

F͎ͨ͗ͧ͊u̘̞͇͈̘̠̠ͭ͋̈́c̲̳̾̓k̛̙̜͇̖̖̻̜.̣̉̽͘


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